Are you: Hot as a pistol, but dumb as a rock? A young attractive co-ed who just got her masters in something useless like ‘Italian Film Studies’ or ‘Sociology of Feminism’ but can’t find a job to pay you enough to match your inflated sense of entitlement? A girl that grew up filthy rich (most likely in Santa Monica or Brentwood) but now daddy-dearest cut you off and you have no valuable skills except for what’s between your legs or hanging off your chest? If you checked any of the above, go to It’s a dating service that matches hot, young and poor women with rich, horny and gross old guys. Fill out a profile to find exactly what you’re looking for: the most amount of money for the least amount of work. After you rationalize the fact that you’re literally prostituting yourself into a ‘post-feminist experiment’, you’ll start getting a lot of propositions from Lou Pearlman types. But who cares about looks when you’re a money-grubbing whore, right? Since they all look the same, how do you find the one that best suits your needs? The first demographic to look at is what kind of car he drives:

BMW: Either he’s an Asian UCLA / USC student trying to trick you or he definitely doesn’t have enough money to spend three grand a month on your temporarily un-mangled vagina. Don’t waste your time with this garbage. Mercedes Benz: Yuck. He drives a C-Class? Don’t settle for anything less than an S-Class. Cadillac: Who is this guy? My grandpa? A rapper? A basketball player? It’s too high profile for you and you’ll blow your cover. People will be staring at you in public thinking ‘what’s that slightly dead guy doing with such a young sex-pot’ or ‘ what’s that prominent Black man doing with such a trashy white girl?’ Exotic Sports car (Lamborghini, Ferrari, etc): Obviously he has a lot of money. And on top of that, he notoriously has a small dick and is a ravenous premature ejaculator. The perfect fit for you.

Premium Luxury car (Aston Martin, Bentley, Rolls): This guy is unbelievably rich, but lonely. He’ll want to cuddle and go on dates to the zoo, which definitely isn’t time or cost efficient. But then again, if you understood the term ‘cost efficiency’ you probably wouldn’t be giving blowjobs for money. The only way this would work out is if you became his permanent

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.


Missed Connections – Sad Slasher #1

A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!