A Guide To Effective People-Watching

People-watching is one of life’s greatest pastimes: entertaining, relaxing, accessible, and free – it comes as no surprise that it’s the number one ranked activity by senior citizens, paraplegics and pedophiles alike. But for the average person, the pursuit can become laborious rather quickly. This is not, however, the fault of the passerbys, but instead merely a lack of imagination on the part of the people-watcher. With a few simple creative techniques, people-watching can be rendered more fun than masturbating, or at least combined with it. Obviously, it helps to have interesting subject matter: college campuses, E.R. entrances and places where diverse, often retarded people congregate like Dollar Tree or Long John Silver’s are all good bets. That being said, anywhere that provides a comfortable place to kick back works, so long as there are people to ocularly assault. I prefer my front stoop because it means I can legally drink alcohol, as well as defecate at my own convenience. Once you’ve established your location, try to simply watch, allowing your mind to wander. Eventually, it will begin to place judgments upon those who walk by, revealing your own racist and sexist prejudices. Think of your subconscious as your own private drunk Uncle-in-law, but without that nagging suspicion that your mom is sleeping with it. Once this grows tired, you can begin playing one of many endlessly fun games.

Many people-watching games revolve around sex, obviously. Choose a number between one and one hundred, then count off people passing by until you reach your number. That person? You have to bang them in your mind. Yes, this is gross and weirdly sort of rape-y, but that’s part of the appeal! That crazy guy who harasses you for cigarettes every day? Gotta mind-fuck him. That obese woman on the electric scooter? In the pooper. If you don’t have an erotic imagination, instead play around with some eugenics. The world is ending, you can only take three of the next ten people with you to a new planet in order to repopulate. Who do you take, and why? I always choose hot bitches, because you know, then I get to bang them, effectively turning this game back into imaginative mind-fucking. Oh well. For more high-risk fun, try a game I call, “I like your pants.” Once you start, you have to say the phrase, “I like your pants” to one of the next ten people that walks by. If you don’t pick one of the first nine, you have to say it to number ten, no matter what, so it quickly becomes a game of picking the best of the worst before it’s too late. Pro-tip: don’t say it to someone not wearing pants. I get the logic – that it will just flat-out confuse them – but it comes across as insinuating that they should be wearing pants, and that’s never a good insinuation to make. The no-pants decision is one often held very dearly to those who’ve made it.

Attacking such an important decision often inspires angry, highly defensive responses. If you’re feeling immature or stoned, replace “I like your pants” with the endlessly classic “Assphinctersayswhat?” instead. If you’re more simple-minded, there are a number of more straight-forward questions to keep your mind busy, including, “Who Has Already Masturbated Today?” “Is That Guys Name John or Not?” and, “Are Their Parents Dead Yet?” If you’re the curious type, and also a total asshole, you can verify your predictions with the passerby. But asking someone if they’ve jerked off that day while simultaneously asking if their parents are dead never seems to turn out spectacularly. Of course, these are only a small handful of questions to consider: coming up with your own offensive and intrusive inquiries is half the fun, and yet another great way to shed light onto your morbid and sociopathic subconscious.

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