I’m a sex-on-the-morning-of-the-second-date kind of gal. (Unusual, but those are my methods.) But Matthew was special. I really liked him, and the best thing to do with people you really like is refuse to have sex with them. I rejected Matthew’s advances for more dates than I’ve ever waited before. (Five.) The anticipation was killing us both, and finally, after one night of heavy drinking, I decided enough was enough. I threw him down on the bed and we ripped each other’s clothes off. His body? Pretty nice. Penis size? Perfecto. Good kisser? No problems there. BUT. He had some of the weirdest, most bizarre sex faces I had ever seen, both in my personal experiences and in the porn I’ve watched. As I rode him, he would contort his facial expressions so grotesquely that he looked like a mime choking on a large piece of steak. Or one of those Halloween-themed amusement park cast members in horrifying masks that run up and scare people. Except naked, and touching my boob. If his facial epilepsy were only during climax, I could let it go. I mean, no one looks glamorous while busting a nut.

t throughout the entire sexual ordeal, he would stick out his tongue and bear his teeth, then bite on his lower lip while scowling. Every time I opened my eyes another creature from The Twilight Zone was underneath me, having a stroke. And during orgasm? His eyes would pop out of his head like Large Marge from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Not. Sexy. I did like him – but how could I keep sleeping with someone who looked so gruesome mid-coitus? Maybe it was the booze that warped the nerve endings in his face, or perhaps he was nervous because it was our first time sleeping together. So I gave him a second chance. But as soon as he got on top of me and started thrusting, I almost burst out laughing at the cross-eyed circus clown hovering above me. “Hey, you into kinky stuff?” I asked. “How about a blindfold? Can you blindfold me?” Turns out I was dating the one guy not into eroticism. “I want to look you in the eye when we make love.” And then he came as he gave a blowjob to a ghost cock. I never saw him again. My only regret is not doing it doggy style.

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