There’s a new way to interact with your computer. It involves your dong. Recently, I came across a few disturbing things on the internet, and neither was the work of Japanese. First of all, they’ve went and made the Fleshlight USB compatible. What is a Fleshlight? Imagine a large flashlight, rip out the bulb, reflector, and the batteries, then stick in a silicone cooter. That's a fleshlight, and it creeps me the hell out. Normally, the word "flesh" is followed by "crawl" or "eating bacteria." This device is about as appealing as a toaster with a sexy mouth, or a garbage disposal with a nice ass. Now this little rubbery hamcave can be hooked up to the computer as an “input device.” You can play “sex games”, where your thrusting translates into simulated movements. Right now it seems it is only games involving boning, but wait a few weeks and some enterprising fellow will be scoring headshots with his schlong in Call Of Duty 4. If you’d like to get one, here’s the link. (NSFW!)

At the same time as I learned about this “improved” USB fleshlight, researchers in Israel have invented a computer program that can recognize beauty in women. Why just women? Maybe because the standards of attractiveness vary so widely for men, or maybe it is because these Israeli scientists are some ugly bastards. There’s no way to know. The program can see an image of a woman, and based on various factors, can determine her attractiveness. In a society already overly obsessed with appearance, these scientists are looking for a way to quantify beauty mathematically. I’m not convinced I want computers knowing how unattractive we are. You think girls have image problems now? Wait till their BlackBerry calls them ugly. And can prove it. With a chart.

The only upside is that when tomorrow’s generation of actresses get past the computer controlled auditioning process, they can do their casting couch work from home, via fleshlight connection. And that means less driving, and less greenhouse gas emissions. Who needs self-esteem and self-respect when you have a cleaner earth?


Brendan Pepper , Chris Nosenzo, ARTICLES

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