I hate clowns. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fear Clowns ‐ when I see one, the only emotions I feel when I see one is the desire to run over one with my car and the welling of laughter as I imagine my tire popping their head like a grape ‐ I just hate them. I hate their long shoes. I hate their polka dot outfits. I hate their rubber noses. I hate their makeup. I hate their hats. But most of all, I hate those people inside the costume. “Wait,” you say, “Clowns entertain children!” Fuck children (especially yours ‐ right in their tiny little buttholes). A child is content for hours with a set of blocks. An adult putting on makeup, a loud outfit, floppy shoes, and talk in a funny voice, juggle, and acting like an overdressed mime (note: I am no fan of mimes either) can entertain a child? Big deal. You know what also will entertain a child? Handing them a small plastic shovel and placing them in sandbox. Clowning might be a culturally embraced form of entertainment that goes back well into the last century, but so was wearing Blackface. You know why I hate clowns? Because they seek attention by shedding any pretense to dignity by prancing around like fool.

If you engage a plainclothes clown in conversation they might expound on their “art,” which, legitimate as it may be to the mentally deficient practitioner of their “craft,” serves no purpose but to validate their most pathetic urges. That makes me sick. Clowns of the world, I hate your guts. I hate your parents for lacking the foresight to realize how pathetic their offspring would turn out. I hate your siblings for sharing any of your genetic traits. I hate your children because they represent your filthy genes have gone on another generation and might infect otherwise decent bloodstreams. I hate your Grandparents for not falling victim to violent crime. I hate anyone that treats you with anything less then outright hostility. You’re a clown and you want to amuse me? Light yourself on fire. (These feelings do not apply to Rodeo Clowns, which are both amusing and practical).

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