I’ve had a mobile phone for almost a decade now yet I still have a landline phone that I’m paying to keep active for some reason. Why can’t I bring myself to (literally) cut the cord? I have no idea. Every single reason I can think of to keep my landline active, I can also refute with barely any effort. I’m basically arguing with myself and losing. MY LAME REASON #1: What if there’s an emergency and your mobile phone battery is dead? MY OWN REBUTTAL: I can always plug my mobile into the wall, and if the power is out my landline phone wouldn’t work anyway. MY LAME REASON #2: It’s good to have a home number to give to banks and other companies so you won’t get telemarketer calls on your mobile. MY OWN REBUTTAL: It sucks just as much to have telemarketers call my home number, plus I come home every day to 7 “new messages” that are just dial tones. MY LAME REASON #3: Don’t you want your name to be listed in the phone book? MY OWN REBUTTAL: No, I don’t.

MY LAME REASON #4: But if you don’t have a landline, you can’t buzz people in through your apartment building’s front door. MY OWN REBUTTAL: What am I, a paraplegic? I can’t walk down to the door to let people in? MY LAME REASON #5: No landline, means no dialup internet access. MY OWN REBUTTAL: I refuse to even dignify that one with a response. MY LAME REASON #6: Okay, smartass. No landline means no DSL either. MY OWN REBUTTAL: Ever heard of cable modems? They’re faster anyway. MY LAME REASON #7: I fucking hate you. MY OWN REBUTTAL: Real mature, asshole. MY LAME REASON #8: I’m the asshole? How am I the asshole? MY OWN REBUTTAL: You just are, that’s why.

MY LAME REASON #9: Are we even doing reasons and rebuttals anymore or are we just arguing in public? MY OWN REBUTTAL: Good point, let’s try one more for real. MY LAME REASON #10: A landline never has reception problems and it’s easier for your grandparents to hear you without repeating yourself five times. MY OWN REBUTTAL: You’re right. I guess we’ll keep it. Asshole.

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Missed Connections – Sad Slasher #1

A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!