Why Bumper Stickers Are Never Okay

I’m pretty sure the plight of having a bumper sticker can be summed up in one phrase: No one cares. But beyond that, all bumper stickers are annoying, and here’s why. Religious/political ones are just a pain in the ass. It’s either starting an argument without being able to partake in it, or—if the person behind you happens to have your political views—just starting a boring conversation. Take this bumper sticker I saw, the other day: “2012: The End of an Error.” If you’re pro-Obama, you don’t even have a chance to state your case. If you’re anti Obama, what else are you supposed to say to that? There’s absolutely no point to the bumper sticker aside from letting a stranger get to know you a little better. Then there are the bumper stickers that proclaim, “I’d rather be _______”. When I see these, I always feel like I’m supposed to apologize. You’d rather be playing tennis? I’m so sorry you’re not having a good time here with me. I’d rather be doing anything other than reading your fucking bumper sticker. For the people with bumper stickers that have anything to do with their children, I get it. People with kids always think theirs are geniuses, super humans, etc. I mean, the rest of us realize their kids are the same snot-nosed, spoiled milk-smelling freaks as anyone else’s children, but it’s cute. But that doesn’t make it okay.

Especially with those little decals that show each fucking kid you have in your family with the little names under them. You might as well put up a bumper sticker that says, “Hey, child predators, I got what you’re looking for riiight in here.” What about the ones that are like, threatening? You know, they’re all “oh, if you’re reading this, you might want to step off or I’ll beat you up” or something. Then, I pass them and it’s always some huge redneck in a truck. I want to stop and say, “Really? You’re gonna punch me—a tiny, innocent girl—just because I’m driving too close?” Might as well change that bumper sticker to: “I have problems with rage and will hit women.” Then you have all the Fast and the Furious kids with the “powered by Vtech” or whatever stickers. Actually, these are pretty effective. Because the types of chicks they’re trying to bone are usually really into that stuff, and it’s basically a mating call. Like a baboon showing its ass. But you could just as easily find these chicks in the hookup section of Craigslist, so do the world a favor and spare us from what’s inside your car. I also really don’t need to know what your last name is in Old English letters. And when I die, the last place I want to be remembered is on someone’s rear window. It’s just creepy for the person driving behind you to read: “RIP Big Daddy 1983-2011”

Then there are people who like those “can’t we all just get along” bumper stickers, the ones that say “coexist” with all the stupid symbols from each stupid religion. The idea is sweet, and the sticker looks really nice on their Priuses, but it’s still not okay. Because the minute you get into the inevitable traffic altercation, you’re going to feel like the biggest asshole when you flip someone off with that bumper sticker trailing behind you. So there you have it. Bumper stickers, all of them, are stupid. Next time you contemplate putting one on your car, ask yourself, “why am I doing this?” Is it because you want people to know your political views? No one cares. Is it because you’re proud of your kids? The only people that care about your kids are the people you don’t want caring. Are you excited to let people know you like Muse? Because all you’re saying to people is, “I like shitty music.” I’m not sure what else you’re hoping to accomplish with that. Your car isn’t your apartment, it’s not a place where you can put up posters of things you like and revel in them when you get some downtime. You’re never going to go out to the parking lot and just look at your bumper stickers and say, “You know, I really do like Ron Paul.” Face it, you’re putting them on your car for the rest of the world to see. And we’re sick of seeing them.

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