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WHO WANTS SHOTS???

I love shots. They’re just such an inherently and awesomely bad idea. Therein lies the beauty, I suppose. Pragmatically speaking, throwing back that 1.5 fl oz jigger is a speedy way to consume the same amount of alcohol as a mixed drink without the "hassle" of actually drinking one. But who gets drunk pragmatically? The only practical application for shots is when you want to quickly get a buzz on before hitting the bar to save money (this backfires about as often as it works). Generally, though, anyone doing a shot is already shitty from mixed drinks or beer and will continue to consume their prior poison at the same rate regardless. Shots tend to be a destructive tangent in one’s evening, often the catalyst for blacking out and/or puking. Two years ago, when my friends and I woke up on the floor the morning after an xmas party, the last thing anyone remembered was some fool busting out a game called Shots & Ladders. What I love most about shots is the silly shots culture. No one wants to drink alone, but no one so obsessively as a person doing shots. It's almost holy. Shots are important…

A completely arbitrary number of shot glasses will get set down, yet a person must be found for each one as though this had been the plan. Or shots get laid out for a certain group of people, but because the shots planner is already wasted they didn’t bother to make sure all parties were present or interested, so you wind up with that frenzied moment of - "Where's Dave?! Dave has to do a shot! Dave?! DAVE?!" We've all been in the other room at a party, or engaged in a conversation at a bar, when suddenly a wild-eyed friend emerges with a sloshing shot that demands your attention. God help you if it's your birthday. You could try to leave the state and someone on a the plane will carry that fucking shot to you. And forget turning down a shot. The shot-giver will practically cry. In the language of booze they just said "I love you" and you spit in their face. So just take the shot. They already paid for it, and besides, if your friend is hammered enough to be buying shots, they probably won’t notice if you don’t actually finish it.

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