These days, it's business as usual for me. I haven't lost a home I couldn't afford because I rent a home I can afford. I haven't lost thousands of dollars in investments because I'm not sure how much stock one can purchase with $126 and a mostly used AMC gift card. Probably quite a lot these days, right? Shockingly, I've never made it rain on someone because I use money to purchase food. Let me welcome you newcomers to not being ridiculously wealthy. First of all, it’s great to have you here. I’ve watched your episode of Cribs, and the part where you show us what’s in your fridge cracks me up every time. Sunny D, the purple stuff, and sixteen bottles of Cristal. What?! Look, I’m not gonna get all Suzy Orman on your ass. I’m here to help. Let me assuage your fears. It’s not that bad. The Barbie Dreamhouse lifestyle of excess and convenience you’ve created can be scaled back to Lincoln Log proportions, and you will survive. Sure, you won’t be on next season’s The Real Housewives of Flint, Michigan. However, you are going to meet a lot of great people down here. When you call to find out where your unemployment check is, ask for Tanika. She’s the best.
Fun fact: You don’t actually require Grande Mochaccinos to sustain life. There is, in this modern age, a robot that will make coffee for you while you listen to a Bonnie Raitt/James Taylor/Bruce Springsteen play list of your own choosing. That is, if you haven’t already pawned your iPod to pay for gas. Let’s talk about gas for a minute. I’m not sure if you’ve figured out that leasing an SUV the size of a studio apartment isn’t cool any more, but it isn’t. Besides, trading it in for something smaller and more fuel-efficient is waaaaay easier than scraping off the MCCAIN-PALIN sticker. You’ll learn to make sacrifices. Start by soaking off those acrylic nails, and canceling your in-home airbrush tan appointment. Send the ring from your first marriage to Cash 4 Gold. They will (allegedly) send money in return. You can use the money to remove those God-awful hair extensions and get your color done properly. Because no matter how bad the economy gets, jacked up roots are not an option.
MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.