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What R U UP 2?

“What r u up 2 tonight?” Since living in Los Angeles, I’ve received this one exact text literally dozens of times. And though each one’s unique in it’s own way (uh sorta?), all have one thing in common – there’s absolutely, positively no good way to respond. Here’s an anthropological analysis of why: What r u up to tonight? From: A current hook-up. 12:03am
Perhaps the most common of the WRUUTT texts, it’s also the most frustrating. A few hours earlier, and we could have met up. A few hours later, and we would have laughed it off the next day. But at midnight, when lust is high and decision-making skills are low, best-case scenario, one of us spends too much money on a cab and we exchange a few sloppy kisses before passing out ‘cause it’s 4am. What r u up to tonight? From: A guy I like. 8:38pm If you were gustier, you’d just call up and ask me out. If I weren’t such a baby, I’d admit that I don’t have plans for the evening and try to meet up. But since neither of us have any balls, we’re both not getting any action. Wat R U up 2 2NITE? From: A guy I thought I liked. 10:21pm Dammit. You went to college and you were even wearing a collared shirt. Why oh why must you text like a 12-year-old girl? I’d built you up to be my next bf and now my Sunday-brunch-boner is totally wilting. What R u up too toonight? From: An ex. 3:32am This text just doesn’t make any sense. Technically it’s early morning, so the “tonight” you’re referring is, like, Sunday or something. Also, it’s an AWFUL IDEA and you’re obviously lonely and wasted. I’m either sober enough to still maintain some shred of self-respect, or too drunk to get in a cab. What r U up to 2nite!?!?!!! From: A girl. 7:12pm In case you haven’t noticed, boys don’t really text from 7-8pm. This is the girl you met at work or through friends who is fun, but not fun enough to hang out with one on one. She’s weighing her options for the evening and now you’ve gotta weigh yours. You’ll go back and forth, back and forth, before arriving at the bar 30 minutes before last call.

What are you up to tonight? From: Someone really inappropriate. Your coworker or dentist or boss. 7:37pm You know how I said boys don’t text between 7-8pm? This is the exception. This guy is older and in a different life phase. He had a few on the golf course or at his 6:30 dinner and now he’s testing the waters with a much younger girl. What r u up to is perfectly innocuous. What? He was just wondering if you had time to empty his inbox tonight. What r u up to 2night? From: unknown number. 11:32pm This is a guy you gave your number to 8 months ago. He never called you, and now he’s a bit drunk and sending this mass text to the 15 girls at the top of his contact list in his phone. I know this because I’ve done that too.

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