Appealing to the goth inside of us (I like a little goth inside me on Thursday nights, which is why I used to live in West Hollywood), Hollywood Forever shows classic films on the side of a mausoleum. What can you expect if you attend one of the Hollywood Forever screenings? Make sure to bring a blanket. Or two to sit on. It gets quite cold at night, and the temperature, grass, and the spirits of the restless dead combine to make a chilly dew. There’s nothing worse than watching THE BREAKFAST CLUB with a damp ass. Well, maybe child murder. If you’ve got ‘em, bring folding lawn chairs. These are much more comfortable than leaning back and craning your neck at the screen. And they provide a better vantage point for watching the gauche tools two blankets over finger-fucking each other. Allow plenty of time to get there. Screenings generally start at 8pm, with gates opening at 7. But people start lining up in the late afternoon like they were giving away free rectal exams.

Whatever you do, don’t piss off the security guards. For some reason, they’re all black and all very, very angry. One woman told me not to park in a certain area, then stomped after my car when I drove off, yelling at me that she was trying to let me know where I SHOULD park. She shook her head so fast, one of her cornrows took out my cornea. And the poor guy in the truck behind me made the mistake of calling one of the women “Sir.” I don’t think they ever found his body. Above all, make sure to pack plenty of snacks and booze. Watching CLOSE ENCOUNTERS or BADLANDS in a cemetery has its novelty appeal, but doing it drunk off your ass is infinitely more enjoyable. And feel free to take along some weed. Every other person there is openly smoking, and you don’t want to feel like part of the “out” crowd. And bring along a change of pants. I was raped by Douglas Fairbanks’ ghost and had to drive home with boxer-briefs full of spook-semen. And that’s worse than child murder.

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