Video Games Nearly Ended My Relationship

“We should do more things together.”

God dammit. “But isn’t screwing and then watching Game of Thrones enough for you?” wasn’t going to cut it this time.

It’s something that no boyfriend really wants to hear. Because “thingsrarely refers to more sex, magic mushrooms, or receiving a scalp massage. It’s most often hiking, going to the museum, going apple-picking, and other things that people do in an effort to remind themselves that they’re “living life to the fullest.”

Which is why I was pleasantly surprised when she offered up video games. I’m not the most serious of gamers, but needless to say, I have a microphone on my headset, and I’m not afraid to use it. I’m at least that far down the rabbit hole.

She suggested that I bust out my old N64. Retro gaming is for whatever reason seen as “cooler” than its modern renditions. It’s also simpler, which I assume she figured gave her a bit of a fighting chance. Unfortunately, I wasn’t about to let that happen. After being mercilessly schooled in both Mario Party 2 and Diddy Kong Racing by a previous girlfriend, I’d learned my lesson. This cunt wasn’t about to think she was better than me just because she could button mash. And besides, I just knew she’d make me take the shitty controller with the fucked up joystick, and everyone knows that there’s no overcoming a loose joystick. We had to go modern.

I didn’t want to simply destroy her, though. I knew the feeling, and it wasn’t pleasant. But after four minutes of co-op in Left 4 Dead, I could tell this wasn’t a viable option. Her inability to coordinate simultaneous movement and aiming was leading me to question if she could aptly raise a child, and this internal judgment wasn’t fair to her, as much as I felt she deserved it. Especially after she mowed me down with a fully automatic because I went into the horde with a chainsaw because it was a tight space and it clearly made the most fucking sense to go melee at that point. Things had gotten too complicated for her, the trigger-happy fuckface.

It was when I nearly punched her in the face during a co-op session of Jazz Jackrabbit 2 that I knew gaming wasn’t in our cards. She complained that it was too fast, too action-packed, too colorful. This is effectively the equivalent of me requesting for her to take me shopping, only to complain that the experience had too many stores, too much emphasis on the act of purchasing items. I cannot fathom what she was expecting, if not for action, speed, and color. “If you wanted to play something boring and slow, why didn’t you just ask me to play goddamn Candy Land?”

And so we played Candy Land. She beat me. But who cares? That game is fucking dumb anyway.


Matt Houghton, Daniel Hamilton, ARTICLES

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