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UNRATED FOR YOUR VIEWING DISPLEASURE

I remember the first time I watched a special edition, "unrated" DVD. It was probably Poison Ivy 3, Embrace of the Vampire or some other raunchy movie that stopped tantalizingly short of hardcore porn. I'd become frustrated by the Skinemax-level fare that remained only marginally smutty, consistently under-delivering when it came to genitalia, but when I saw the word "unrated" emblazoned in bright red lettering on the DVD, I thought, "Wow, even the Ratings Board doesn't want a piece of this! At last, uncensored filth!" Granted, uncensored debauchery isn't hard to find, but starring name-brand celebs? Anyone can watch Bambi McTittycutty in To Drill a Mockingbird, but the thought that a young starlet like Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman got their start in an explicit sex scene that's been buried in the recesses of some producer's broom closet and might someday see the light of day on an "unrated" DVD? That alone is the basis for 40% of the websites in existence

Little did I realize, though, that unrated DVDs hold about as much relevance as the Canadian armed forces. They make all this hubbub, insinuating that they contain some edgy, risqué material "too hot for theaters" when in fact they have just three extra minutes of edited footage that had bogged down the story and thus wasn’t submitted to the MPAA for a rating. You know, like Katherine Heigl adjusting her codpiece or Mark Wahlberg desperately trying to look less simian. Talk about a boner crusher. That’s like slapping a chunk of unprocessed cow on a bun and calling the burger "unrated" by the FDA. Now they even have unrated editions of movies that would never in any universe be considered too hot for anything, like The Dukes of Hazard. As if there’s a scene with Jessica Simpson going down on Uncle Jesse that didn’t make the final cut. Please. And I don’t even wanna know what the unrated DVD of White Chicks purports to show. Looks like if I want footage of Jessica Alba gettin’ her chimney swept, I’m gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way: Rohypnol and a cell phone camera.

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