I'm a typical American male save one thing: my dick. Thanks to my hippie parents, I'm uncircumcised. But I’m not resentful about it. I’m proud. I have to be. Because being “Whole in America” isn’t always easy. Growing up I always wondered why I was so unlike the other boys, why my penis looked like "a pink doggy dick," as some helpful elementary school friends pointed out. I was confused by my own body, not knowing what God I offended as to be born with a foreskin. I’ve gotten older, learned the facts and come to not be ashamed of the complete package. I’ve learned to love it. But even as an adult, I will never fail to be reminded I’m not the norm. "You're uncircumcised!" my lucky partner says after the Big Reveal. "I haven't seen that since I stayed in that German hostel!" It’s easy to brush off, but it always gets me thinking about how different we “Whole in America” are. The world over, being uncut is nothing special. But in America, when you’re Whole you're the other cock. You're the freaky hooded minority. When you think about it, it’s really strange. How’d we get here? Why are the majority of American men circumcised?
A common reason given is “circumcised penises are cleaner,” for which I have two words: wash your fucking dick. Other bullshit: “It’s just the norm,” or the absolute worst, “I don’t want him to look weird,” like a foreskin is nerdy corrective headgear on a dick. If you couldn’t tell, those are all excuses prospective American mothers give me when talking about having their kids circumcised. It’s almost never men making the decision about their own cocks; those tips were snipped way before the men could have a say. Men in America are circumcised because their mothers wanted their cock to look a certain way. Think about that: a country of dicks sculpted on orders from Mommy. But unlike the bad haircuts Moms give, dicks don’t eventually grow out. “Have you ever thought about getting circumcised?” I’ve been asked by women. To that, I have a question: have you thought of getting a nipple removed? Because we men prefer a smooth breast. Besides, it is just a little tip, not to mention it just looks better. I’m making a joke, but I’m making a point too (not to mention that most of the Whole like all that bitchin’ penile sensitivity.)
In short: fuck fashionable infant circumcision, the sending off of newborns to get their dicks trimmed of “extra skin” to basically make their genitalia more aerodynamic. What it ultimately comes down to is that America, as a society, carves up baby weiners because it’s trendy. It needs to stop. For the first time in my life, I’m saying, “Hands off the cocks, ladies,” because while we appreciate the input, this ultimately isn’t your debate. We men don’t tell you when you can and can’t get an abortion because it’s your body. Just like that infant boy’s body is his, even if that body at six-days-old is pretty much a full-steam-ahead meconium factory. An adult man can do whatever the hell he likes with his dong (and most do.) But don’t you dare fuck with Junior’s peter. Stay strong, Foreskin Brothers. We shall overcome.
MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.