I sit in my hotel room. Michael is two days late for our meeting (which is normal), when he suddenly bursts in the door and immediately starts talking. I scramble for my notebook. Bay: Okay I'm gonna hit you with it right off! Ready? Last night while I’m coked out of my gourd and wrestling with these hookers - all 10’s - I see my sack in one of the mirrors I have set up and I realize, Bay, bro, we gotta see some robot balls in the movie! Blam! I look at him patiently, waiting for the rest of the idea. Bay: Blam! Me: Oh. Um, balls? Like the Transformers have testicles? Bay: They would right? They're badass dudes! Me: So will this be a joke then? You want one of the Autobots to get kicked in the nuts or something? Bay: Nah. Just put balls in the movie somewhere. Like, just have one of the characters point out the robot's sack. Done. Me: What’s the point then?
Bay: Things don’t need points. Bay: Things don’t need points. Me: Gotcha. (making note) Robot balls. Bay: Oh! And I was watching that movie ZULU in my Hummer just now and it hit me - that old robot they meet in the Smithsonian, he should be like an old-school ZULU British dude. (attempting accent). Whaza all dis den? (he laughs) Blam! Me: I can work with that. Although, last time you said you wanted Jetfire to be a SR-71 Blackbird. Should we make him an old WWII British fighter or something now? Bay: The Blackbird is tits. What’s the problem? Me: Nothing really, but that plane is from the 60’s and it’s American. Why would Jetfire have taken on a British accent if he was posing as an American machine? Bay: Don’t be a fag. The audience doesn’t care about shit like that. They can’t think with all their blood stuck in the rock-hard boners I’m giving them. (looks at watch) I wanna hit the buffet at the strip club. Anything else we need to jam on?
Me: Oh. Um, well, I’m still a little concerned about the Autobot Twins. I got your email suggesting they be illiterate. That…. aren’t you worried that people will say they’re racist stereotypes? Bay: Racist against what? Robots? Me: Black people. In the first movie you had a jive-talking black Autobot and he was also the only Autobot to die. It kinda seems like you’re doing this on purpose. Bay: I’ll have a white guy do one of the Twin’s voices. Fixed. Me: I think that makes it worse actually - Michael suddenly throws a hand up to silence me. He is making a weird face. Finally he farts loudly, then he cups his hand to his ass and wafts the fart in my face. He laughs, then his eyes light up: Bay: Oh! Bro! Farts! Make the old British robot fart! Old people can’t control their ass. My grandma shit her pants once when we visited her. Fucking hilarious.
I look at my notes. They now read “robot balls” and “robot farts.” I look back up at Michael, sullenly. He’s smiling. Bay: Mint that shit! Blam!
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