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TOP TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT LISTS

Millions of idiots churn out billions of words every day. How do writers set their garbage apart from the rest of the refuse clogging up the web? If you said quality writing about relevant topics, you are absolutely 100% wrong. The key is putting your garbage in a list. Here are my top ten things I hate about lists: 10: They work Unlike Windows Vista and hobos, these things work. Think God’s commandments would be as popular if they weren’t on a top ten? 9: Digg. Digg is supposed to be where people discover the best of the web based on the votes of Digg users. In actuality Digg is a fanboy circle-jerk with an endless stream of Obama stories, Apple rumors, pictures that circulated the web in ‘97, and top whatever lists. Websites that want Digg attention end up writing pandering stories like “Top Six reasons Obama should get an iPhone” or “Top Ten Things I Hate About Lists.”

8: Cracked.com Quality content isn’t always enough to get noticed, especially when you are associated with half-century-old failed MAD Magazine knockoff. So Cracked.com settled upon the business model of taking their jokes and putting numbers in front of them. It seems to be working out. (See reason #10 and #9) 7: Half of the lists are too long. If you are writing about the top Ninja Turtles, you can stop after the top four. Is everyone out there paid by the word? 6: The other half are too short. Writing about the top tips to get laid? Don’t stop at five, jackass. Write them all down. We need all the help we can get. 5: They are padded. This is especially true with top ten lists. Writers have two or three good ideas, then struggle to fill their quota. Even Letterman’s Top Ten only has a chuckle or two. The rest of the gags read like Carson Daly’s castoffs. This leads to odd situations like presidential candidates making Regis Philbin jokes.

4: They are padded. 3: They are padded. 2: Purposely controversial Even God put “thou shall not take My name in vain” at number 3 (ahead of murder!) on the list just to generate goddamn controversy. And the number one reason I hate lists: 1 is always disappointing. And they never even explain why they picked it.

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