Everything these days is harmful to you. TV, food, booze, drugs, sex, videogames- anything fun. It’s like the only thing left to do that won’t kill you is sitting in a green pasture and meditating. And with the ozone quickly disappearing, even that isn’t safe (not to mention dying from boredom from all of that fucking meditating). But it’s not just the big vices that are bad for you. Nowadays the little, everyday things are bad for you, too. A little while back I saw a report on the news on the dangers of listening to your iPod too much. They said that it makes you less observant of the world and can make you more anti-social. What a big bag of horseshit. The whole point of an Ipod is to get lost in your own world of music. You use it to sometimes block out the outside world and have a few moments to yourself. And now your telling me that’s bad? Listening to music to escape your surroundings is bad for you? Eat me! Why can’t I try something once without facing deadly repercussions? I really want to drop ecstasy. It looks like fun, even if I have to wave a glow stick around for nine hours. But do I really have to run the risk of deadly seizures and fatal heat stroke if I try it? Or how about heroin? I would love to get really skinny and lie on the couch all day. But do I have to become instantly addicted if I try it just once? Come on! Cut me some fucking slack here!

Unfortunately, it’s not only things that are bad for you but people as well. No one tells you to stay away from the person who plays the cello and works in a soup kitchen. It’s always the fun people that your parents tell you to watch out for. Growing up my mom would warn me to stop hanging around TJ Rathbone because he “had bad news written all over him.” But TJ did all of the fun stuff. He smoked cigarettes, stole Mickey’s Big Mouths from his dad and shoplifted on a daily basis. How could I not hang out with a guy like that? Sure, TJ nearly lost his leg after it caught on fire while he was trying to blow up a fish with some lighter fluid and a firecracker, but that’s besides the point. Why can’t snorting coke off of a hooker’s ass be considered a “healthy lifestyle”? Conversely, why can’t drinking a wheatgrass shot (which tastes like a dog’s ass – trust me, I know) give you testicular cancer? I love eating cookies. Why can’t that be the food that gives me six-pack abs? I fucking hate green beans. Why the shit can’t those be bad for me? We need to start being less informed and start being more ignorant. We need to live like they did back in the 50’s and 60’s. Now there was a time! Smoking helped with your digestion, drinking and driving was socially acceptable and safe sex meant pumping and praying. Really all you had to worry about back then was the threat of nuclear annihilation. Other than that, party on!

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Missed Connections – Sad Slasher #1

A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!