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THE WALMART DRINKING GAME

To set the record straight: I’m a man who likes to drink. Excessively. I like to drink at bars, in clubs, at friends’ apartments, in my own apartment, with homeless people unless they’re scary or look diseased, while taking a dump and so on and so forth. Included in that is while playing drinking games. A shot every time a fight breaks out on Jerry Springer. Or maybe a swig every time a turned-over playing card is a king, or hell – even simply the color red. However, my one qualm is these drinking games are far too passive. There isn’t nearly enough interaction with the world around you. Thusly, I have a proposal to make: The Walmart Drinking Game.

It’s simple: fill up a water bottle with a clear alcohol like vodka or gin. If that isn’t your speed, throw some whiskey in a coffee travel mug. I don’t really care – alcoholism is as alcoholism does.

Now head over to your local Walmart. While I’d recommend not driving, it’s probably safe to say that anywhere from 15-30% of Walmart shopper’s regularly drink and drive, so if it makes you feel like you’re “fitting in with the locals” then by all means.. Walk around, abide by the following rules, and you’ll be sure to be down the Juicy Couture sweatpants of a developmentally-delayed white-trash Stacy in the disabled bathroom.

Every time you see a mother pushing a cart with obese child in it, take one shot. If that child has a plastic bag over its head, take two shots. If the mother is clearly unconcerned, take three.

Every time you can smell someone’s bodily odor from further than five feet, take one shot. Further than ten feet, take two. If you can smell body odor but cannot locate the source of said odor, take three.

Every time you see someone perpetuating a stereotype of any sort, take one shot. That includes a black person buying anything “purple” flavored, a fat person buying bulk amounts of frozen pizzas, and a trailer-trash family of more than six buying anything at all.

Every time you see what appears to be a single mom under the age of 20, take one shot. If her child is making a loud fuss and acting extremely bratty, take two. If she’s clearly pregnant again, take three.

That’s just a start. Suggestions, anyone?

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