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The Time I Tried Writing For Porn

It may come as a surprise to some of you that writing crass online comedy isn’t the most lucrative career path. Naturally, a better paying departure from that is the lucrative world of porn writing. And let’s not be quick to judge: people do much worse for a quick buck, and I see no problem in, say, expanding my horizons. If you can scold me for assuming I won’t like mussels before trying them, you definitely can’t give me shit for trying my hand at writing filthy smut: “don’t knock it ‘till you try it” I’ll argue to my Mom after she reads this. And so, after spotting a Craigslist posting and speaking with the script-editor, I got down to work on becoming more worldly. My instructions were thus: a 3-5 page script which fits into one of their “niche” websites, of which I’m sure you can already imagine: nurses, uniforms, MILFs, babysitters, shit-eating and so on. Just kidding, they don’t actually have babysitters. The task is to provide a setup full of puns and dirty-talk, followed by a run-down of the lewd acts to follow, which, according to the example I read are to be itemized as casually as a grocery list – except instead of “milk” it’s “cock worship.” After finalizing my scenario – a TSA agent airport interrogation: one must be topical after all – I encountered my first problem: my morals.

Were I to position the male as the officer, the implication is that the woman is being psychologically coerced into the sex. However, reverse the roles, and she’s a sex-hungry slut. Naturally, I concluded on the latter: it’s much more contemporary to “embrace the slut” – even if she’ll eventually be literally fucked in the throat. The second problem, however, was my inability to write anything sexy without feeling cliché. If I say so much as, “oh yeah” in the bedroom, I feel like I’m in some bad softcore porno I used to watch on late-night cable, so writing dialog which includes things like, “you’re just a horny little bitch aren’t you” doesn’t really fit into my comfort zone. What’s worse, my inability to actually “close” in real life is no doubt still present in my fictional account of attempting to get laid. Instead of one character initiating the actual sex, both man and woman end up beating around the bush (not literally, unfortunately) and nothing gets done! In a sense, writing this probably should have given me insight onto how frustrating of a flirting partner I must be, but instead, it made me happy that I so rarely ever find myself close enough to getting laid that I need to partake in this bullshit social ritual. Unlike real life, however, there is no false pretense in position transition.

As mentioned, one need only list them, but in such a limitation, it feels far less organic, which is actually more natural, because said “organic” transitions often feel entirely unorganic: there’s no “fake accidental roll over which sort of turns into this weird like, half-way to cowgirl thing” in porn writing. It’s just wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. It actually made me wish it worked like this in real life: “If you’ll peruse my proposed list – it reads chronologically – I think you’ll find a diverse yet reasonable configuration which suits both of our needs accordingly. If we stay on schedule, I’ll be finishing on your chest in twenty-three minutes, and we’ll have ample time to make a snack before Dancing With The Stars begins.”

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