I don’t know much about women. If you ask any girl I’ve ever talked to at a bar, I’m sure she would provide a stream of examples as to why I’ll inevitably die alone with my cat. But if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that for years, average-looking girls have been hiding their outer cons with sunglasses. Think about it. How many times have you almost caused vehicular homicide for a girl that turned out to have worse skin than Seal? How many times has a girl lifted the frames off her face and immediately made you regret those four margaritas on your tab, not to mention the inflation-rate condoms in the men’s bathroom? And how many times have you approached that incredible group of women on the beach, only to wake up next to a girl that makes you wish you had just masturbated? It’s because sunglasses are playing a dangerous game in the minds of men. The good news is: it’s downright mathematical. The size of a girl’s sunglasses are inversely proportionate to the attractiveness of her face. That’s it. That’s the equation. If you’re rocking gigantic polarized knock offs from the Sunglass Hut, it’s probably because you look like a burn victim with a cleft lip. Mathematically speaking, if a girl is covering up more than eight square inches of her face with the latest Gucci goggles she can find, you’re looking at no more than a SIX that goes to the gym.You might as well buckle up for acne, mustaches, and probably a skin tag or two. If her Versace visors go over eight square inches it’s time to invest in a shovel; because the only way to forget about that one night stand is to bury her in the Vegas desert. And that’s only after you make her promise she didn’t tell a soul that you were inside her. And if a girl is rocking an incredible body, with shades that only show her ears, forehead, and chin… well you better pray with everything you have that the condoms and birth control did their job. Because no one wants to introduce everyone to their pregnant new girlfriend; especially if she looks like a bag of unused circumcision-skin that’s been crudely glued together with a snaggletooth. Now is this true for everyone? Of course not. There’s always the exception to the rule. That’s because rich chicks love huge sunglasses too. Two of the three Kardashians are hot, but they all wear faceplates, so you have to be careful… especially if you’re in between the third one and a plate of nachos. To throw away a hot AND rich girl because of my rule would be silly, or any rich girl for that matter. They have their own set of rules because they’ll buy us xbox games and expensive whiskey.But just know that for every square inch those lenses go past her eyes, a whole new world of danger could be waiting for you. A world filled with average faces that you would find on a Canadian tourism website. And that, my friends, is a fate worse than death. Or, you know… just have sex with her anyways. That’s probably what I would do.
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