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THE SOBERING REALITY OF BEING SOBER

So I'm currently in the thick of a mysterious health problem. The exact nature of it isn’t pertinent, but my doctor says no booze or caffeine or pot until it gets solved, which is a major blow to a hedonistic lowlife such as myself. Along with sex and food, those three round out my Top 5 Favorite Things In The World. It's as though my mother had a gypsy put a curse on me for my "own good." Forcing myself to stop all the fun naughtiness has been far easier than I expected, but the sudden shift in my lifestyle has yielded some gruesome side effects. Without caffeine I spend the first and last hours of each day in a bewildered fog, but this I was anticipating. Life without my good buddies booze and weed has been more surprising. I already knew that bars and clubs aren’t much fun sober, but apparently everything else I do is too. I haven't smoked up in two months. I also haven't touched my Nintendo Wii in two months. Coincidence? Lego Batman just seems silly now. I used to love watching terrible movies. Now I only want to watch quality films, which isn’t bad itself but I keep forgetting to update my Netflix queue, so I’ll get H.O.T.S. or some other dumb titty movie and never watch it. I finally had to weed out all the fun stuff. Ah, weed… mmm… sigh…

I watch different TV shows now. I eat different food. I have entire groups of friends I suddenly don’t like as much. I find that my libido has weakened. I’ve been going to parties where we play board games. I take walks. I find myself thinking about marriage and having a baby and shit like that. Why? That doesn’t even make sense. The craziest part is the knowledge that this is how the majority of America chooses to live. No wonder so many people turn to religion and anti-depressants – they’re fucking miserable! On the bright side: I’ve been saving money not going out. My ritualistic midnight runs to McDonald’s are gone, which is certainly for the best. And I’ve been reading more, though without all that caffeine coursing through my system I tend to fall asleep after one page, but technically, I have been reading more. Hmm, I wonder what anti-depressant Jesus would do?

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