A few months ago I was randomly flipping through The Sharper Image catalogue when I came across the best thing in the entire world ever. It was a robotic monkey head. The monkey head did absolutely nothing except make noises (Happy! Playful! Fearful! And my favorite: Aggressive!) to scare unsuspecting people who wandered too close. I wanted that fucker. But it was $150 and I could barely pay my rent, so I threw my prank fantasies away. Sometime later I got a pretty sweet freelance job that came with a big ole paycheck. I remembered my beloved robotic monkey head and figured if there was ever an item I should blow extra money on, it’s that. The catalogue was thrown out long ago, so I called up The Sharper Image to ask if they still had it in stock. Me: “Hey there, do you guys have a robotic monkey head?” Saleslady: “No, we don’t have anything like that.” Me: [heartbroken, but determined] “Are you positive? Because I clearly remember seeing it in one of your catalogues and it clearly said The Sharper Image. Could you maybe look it up on your computer or something?” Saleslady: “No, I’m positive. We do not have nor sell a robotic monkey head.”

Me: [incredibly disappointed] “Oh. Okay, well, thanks for--” Saleslady: “We have a robotic chimpanzee head?” Me: [flabbergasted] “I’m sorry, Miss, what did you think I was looking for? That’s exactly the same thing!” Saleslady: “Well, a monkey and a chimpanzee are completely different species.” I hung up. Even a glorious screeching jungle animal head controlled by remote wasn’t worth continuing this inane debate further. On my end of the conversation, I just thought she was a salesperson and I was a customer, eager to purchase an expensive piece of useless machinery. On her end, however, we were two scientists discussing evolution where every link in the animal kingdom is significant to explore and study with no room for error. I bet you she’s the type of asshole who corrects anybody who calls a whale a fish (“It’s a mammal”) or a spider an insect (“An arachnid, actually, and completely and totally unlike the common household bug which you are referring to”). How can someone be intelligent enough to know that monkeys and chimps are two different species, yet dumb enough to almost lose a sale over the irrelevant distinction between them?

What other completely stupid comments does this idiot savant make in her spare time when she’s not infuriating customers? Child: Can I go to the bathroom? Saleslady: I don’t know, can you? Or Sister: Can you pass me a Kleenex? Saleslady: These are Puffs. Kleenex is a brand name. I don’t have any Kleenex on me. And Husband: That Panda bear is about to attack us! Run for your life! Saleslady: Actually, a Panda is not really a bear. Same with Koalas. [Saleslady gets mauled by Panda and dies.] My revenge fantasies of the bloody death of this idiot are all I have to fill the void where my robotic chimpanzee head should be, scaring the shit out of my friends. Maybe Brookstone sells one?

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