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THE REAL CRISIS WITH OUR AIR

Every year, 24,000 Californians die from air pollution. After my 10 mile, 90 minute commute home yesterday, I think I understand the predicament. 24,000 people isn’t nearly enough. Sure 24,000 is a great start, but if we really want to depopulate this state, we’re going to have to pollute much, much more. Why more pollution? Because of the noble buffalo. The noble buffalo herd can only move as fast as the slowest noble buffalo. When the sick, old buffalo are eliminated by natural predators or hungry pioneers, the noble buffalo heard becomes faster and healthier as a whole. I want a healthier and faster Los Angeles. A Los Angeles with shorted commute times because a bunch of people died from air pollution. Some might complain that the same pollution that is killing the sick and old is hurting the young, handsome, and virile. Thank you for your concern. After all, living with heavy pollution could take ten years off my life. But if I drive an hour each way to work in the morning, that’s ten hours a week. Using math, it’s clear that I am probably losing ten years off my life anyway.

“How can I help?” you might think or say. It’s simple. Take more trips. Stop car pooling. Get a job in Irvine, a house in Encino, and a Ford F250. Set a bus on fire. And of course, have a BBQ. The city of Houston has smog levels that rival Los Angeles, but their smog is more flavorful and tender. That’s because a significant portion of their air pollution is meat particulates sent into the air during backyard BBQs. So invite your friends over for a good, old fashioned, charcoal or oily rag BBQ. It’s a delicious way to pollute. And there’s a bonus! Your BBQ will taste even sweeter when you realize you are making a city of vegans inhale meat particles against their will. Plus, A BBQ is also a great chance to see your sick or old friends, before they’re killed by pollution. Los Angeles, the time is now. Working together, I know our city can have the pollution we deserve.

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