I've spent the last 20-something years of my life searching for the situation in which its completely appropriate to scream the phrase "go to hell and fuck yourself, you lazy cock!" (or as I refer to it, "The Phrase That Pays.") And I'm happy to report that, like the Holy Grail itself, I have stumbled upon it. Let me explain. You see, Hollywood Blvd has its fair share of actual homeless people who legitimately need our pocket change to survive. They are brave and in a sad situation. But sitting along side these poor souls is a growing population of asshole gutter-punk kids who are able-bodied, but just want free money from you for burgers and weed. These kids will sit next to a wheelchair-ridden homeless person who's holding a sign that reads "Hungry Veteran, please help, God Bless You" and hold a sign of their own that says "No job, need money." And the only real thing stopping these kids from getting a job is a sense of self-entitlement and a bad haircut. If one of these crusty punk rock kids asks you for money, you can go ahead and say, "No, sorry," but they'll just flip you off when you're not looking. You can even go so far as to yell "Get a job!" at them, but they'll just get a defiant, faux-anarchist boner when they get to yell "fuck corporate America!" back to you.

This is where the Phrase That Pays comes in. You want an exclamation that gets your point across, while still finding a way to shock a 17 year old who scratched the c-word into their hand with a staple. The Phrase That Pays, pound for pound, is really your best option: "Go to hell [I wish you were dead] and fuck yourself [with one of those liberty spikes on top of your head] you lazy [get a job] cock! [’re a cock]." See? How many more pointed insults do you want out of a 9 word sentence? I give this knowledge to you, the reader, as a precious gift. Go ahead at try out The Phrase That Pays on the next crusty gutter punk that asks you for bus fair… you’re gonna feel good… real good.

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