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THE PERFECT PITCH

Whether it’s a studio or a group of equity investors, film pitching is all about delineating the details. The more specific your pitches are, the more likely they will bite and buy your shit. Here are some of my genre specific ingredients that Hollywood typically falls for: Tyler Perry Film - Needs one African American Male to perform all the following duties: writer/director/producer/actor/craft services coordinator/security officer/parking lot attendant. The film can either be about a single father raising 3.5 children, or a large quarrelsome family dominated by an obese matriarch. Either way, all conflict must be resolved through faith in Jesus, shedding the shackles hindering social mobility, and the healing power of cornbread. Lifetime Made for TV Movie - Needs two well known B-list actors – one to play an aging chief detective (think Peter Falk), one to play an emotionally volatile and negligent teen mother (a-la Tori Spelling) – and a title like “Baby Killer: the live abortion of Kylie Wishbone.” For school shower scenes, Extras Casting must seek out 8 -10 former “Barely Legal” models.

2009 Romantic Comedy - Needs a benign actress like Jennifer Aniston or her non-anorexic equivalent (Katherine Heigl), and a Natasha Bedingfield theme song that gets blasted during montages of self-discovery and emotionality. Also needs a “side kick”- can be a bastard child that spouts aphorisms that are well beyond his years or a flamboyant yet dispassionately cynical homosexual (think Mario Cantone). Story is completely irrelevant. Japanese Horror film - Needs 2 Sony HD cameras, 250 gallons of synthetic blood, a distribution deal via Lions Gate, and a script about a possessed girl with long wet hair that haunts the sewers of Tokyo. The title of the film should be a single Japanese word like “Bulshito” that roughly translates to a more catchy American two-word title: “Well Dwellers.” Musical Biopic - Needs the “true” story of a recently deceased drug addicted virtuoso. Aside from flashbacks to the untimely death of a sibling at the hand of a band saw, the story need only focus the protagonist’s glory years - the black tar heroin, the domestic violence, and the torrid groupies with Andy Warhol; essentially all the salacious activity that fell between the few years that he/she actually produced good music.

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