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THE PANACEA OF VEGETARIANISM

Unlike most people, I don't hate all vegetarians. I just hate the deluded ones who think that converting to vegetarianism will cure them of all their issues: obesity, depression, gonorrhea, chronic unemployment. The fact that they still smoke two packs a day, sleep with anything that walks and have never touched a treadmill in their lives never enters their minds. They always want to give you advice about how not eating meat will help clear up your acne or flush your colon without any proof to back it up -- especially when it comes to their own results. They love to say that they "feel" so much better, which is really just a way of fishing for the compliment that they "look better too." In truth, they look almost exactly the same, just poorer from having bought all that price-gouged organic produce. Because their biodegradable shit don't stink, these gung-ho vegetarians always expect you to know places to eat that will accommodate their palates, even though they themselves can't think of any.

Then, if—or rather, when—you can’t find an acceptable dining spot, you get to hear them whine all night about the lack of food options. And yet, they always want to eat out. It’s like how only ugly people want to be nudists. Something about it makes them voluntarily pick a lifestyle that they’re ill-equipped to handle. The only things vegetarianism cures in these people are financial security and the burden of friendship. On second thought, I do hate all vegetarians.

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