The Infamous Disney Kill

Sometimes I get so mad at someone I just want to fucking kill them, but I want to be seen as morally superior to them at the same time. The best, and maybe only way to do this is the Disney Kill ™. The Disney Kill ™ scenario has played out in multiple Disney movies, because it’s a perfect way to get rid of the villain without the hero having to violently murder them. It goes like this: While battling your nemesis at the end of the movie, they fall over the edge of a cliff and manage to hang on by one hand. You lean over to help them up – you’re not evil, after all, since you’re the classically-attractive prince or the badass brunette princess, and you’ll let the proper authorities provide adequate justice for the villain’s unspeakable crimes. But alas, you can’t get to them in time, gravity gives in, and they fall to their (offscreen) death. Even though the protagonist does the honorable thing and attempts to save the villain, they are totally happy that they fell to their death. Tarzan, Beauty and the Beast, Up, and a ton of other movies have all tied a bow on their stories with a Disney Kill ™. I would love to do this one day to all the villains in my life. Here are the Top 5 people I would love to Disney Kill ™, and the ways I would do it. (Unfortunately, I don’t live near any dangerous cliffs, so I’d have to improvise.)

1) The boyfriend who broke up with me on Facebook. The best way to Disney Kill™ this unworthy ex would be to invite him over for dinner, explaining that I’d still love to remain friends. (Yeah, right.) Then I would watch him choke on an oversized piece of steak and inadequately perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him. Oops, I tried! 2) All of the anonymous Internet commenters who trashed me on the many websites I’ve written for over the years. Since these anonymous commenters aren’t so anonymous – hey, geniuses, I can see your email and IP address on the backend of the site – it would be oh-so easy to send all these trolls viruses. Or even better, repeatedly ask to connect with them on Linked In. It won’t be long until they die of annoyance. Hey, I’m just trying to expand my network! 3) My former boss who was undiagnosed bipolar. Even his good days weren’t really good since any moment he could flip a switch and be a raging maniac. His Disney Kill™ would involve him finally making a cup of coffee for his damn self, and when he inevitably breaks the coffee pot and spills boiling hot java all over his body, I’ll be right there, delicately tossing lukewarm droplets of water on his soiled khakis like I actually care.

4) Team Breezy. The only thing worse than Chris Brown are his fans. Not only because they stop at nothing to defend a clueless woman beater, but their support keeps this douche, and his terrible music, in the spotlight. If any of these rabid fans were ever to go on a date with their idol, well, let’s just say I didn’t warn them. 5) That little fucking 8-year-old kid leaned outside his school bus window and spat onto me. Fuck that kid. No one who could do that can grow up to be a decent adult. When he eventually expectorates on the bus driver , who goes into a blind rage and flings the school bus off an actual cliff, I’ll make sure to stretch my arm out just long enough to look like I give a damn. Who would you want to Disney Kill™?


Becky Bain, Miguel Manzur, THUG LIFE

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