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THE INDIGNITIES OF MONOGAMY

For men, relationships are little more than a series of ball-crushing emasculations that increase in severity with every level of commitment. If you find yourself in one of these situations, there is hope for survival if you do as I say: Stage 1: Waiting outside a women's dressing room: This is basic stuff that most of you have endured since childhood with your mom. If you're lucky, there'll be a sunglass spinner nearby to bide your time. If not, find something to focus on that makes you look as un-pervy as possible. Avoid staring at: A) the dressing rooms, B) the bra and panty aisle, C) children under 12.

Stage 2: Holding a purse: This means she trusts you with her money; make a mental note of that for later. If you find yourself holding a purse, make the most of the situation by tucking it into your elbow like a football. If that doesn’t sufficiently establish your manhood, stiff-arm random passers-by and yell disparaging comments insinuating that their inability to tackle you makes them homosexuals. Stage 3: Attending a collegiate a capella concert: You know you’re in a serious relationship when you allow yourself to be subjected to the nut-shrinking fuckery of sitting amidst a throng of cankly liberal arts majors swooning like they’re watching Grey’s Anatomy. Eke your way through it by reminding yourself that this is the closest the crooning man-twats on stage will ever get to rock stardom.

Stage 4: Buying maxi pads: At this point, you’re probably living together. If you’re vague enough about where you’re going when you leave the house, she’ll assume you’re having an affair instead of going to the store, and she’ll be too busy crying to ask you to pick up some vaginal merchandise. If that doesn’t work, consider dumping her for someone postmenopausal. Stage 5: Witnessing a pap smear: If you get to this point, you’d damn well better be married and expecting a baby. Insist on a female OB/GYN in order to minimize your night terrors. When she breaks out the vaginal shoehorn, leave your body and lose yourself in your recurring Charles Bronson fantasy.

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