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THE FAKE PENIS, DEMYSTIFIED

Men have this thing about holding things near the crotch of their pants, in an attempt to humorously say – “Hey! This object is representative of my big cock!” But what does their object of choice really mean? DILDO Unimaginative, and somewhat depressing. (I hate to break it to you, buddy, but there’s no hyperbole here. Your dick is just not as large as most women – and men – who buy sex toys would like it to be.) Ladies and gents, go for the toy before the boy. BURRITO This man will be selfish in the sack. While he’s there thinking, “I have so much girth and weight in my hand,” all any woman can think about is a sour-cream-filled vagina. He is, however, creative. LEAF BLOWER Here is a man of commitment. I don’t know if you’ve ever used a leaf blower, but it’s exhausting. The fact that this fella took take time out from blowing to pose for a penis pic shows an unparalleled dedication to showcasing his dick.

FRENCH BREAD He has a girlfriend. Or he lives at home. Because what guy do you know who buys long skinny loaves of French bread on his own time? WATER/ALCOHOL BOTTLE Heyyyyyyy! Any time is fake dick time! This man does not require a special occasion to mention, discuss, touch or use his penis. Whether that’s good or bad is up to you. BANANA It’s a classic. It’s bright. It’s fun. It’s something women like to eat. If I were to date a man-who-poses-with-fake-phallus, I’d choose this guy. CACTUS Obviously he can’t even keep a real plant alive. This relationship is doomed. Stay away – your vagina will thank you.

CCAMERA LENS This guy knows his way around a cock – a counterclockwise rotation will make the thing grow! He’s artistic, maybe even sensitive but, unfortunately, he’s only viewed the female anatomy from afar. REAL MEAT Whether he’s packing a sausage or a bratwurst, this guy is into carnal love-making. Hygiene, however, isn’t a huge concern, so apply some spermacide along with your rubber. CARDBOARD TUBE He’s a penis pacifist. A few moments ago, this man had a choice: Is this cardboard tubing a sword or a shlong? He went with schlong. Make love not war, right? GUN/KNIFE And here’s the opposite. What the fuck, dude? Do you hate women? Fear sex? You need therapy. (Although probably not as badly as your last girlfriend.)

ARCHITECTURAL MONUMENTS This man is lazy. For centuries, men have erected buildings to represent their, uh, erections. But this guy decided to skip all the bullshit and just pose for the photo. Sure he’s a little clever, but no one likes a slacker in bed. REAL PENIS I’m not linking a photo here (I’m sure you can find many of those on your own). But a layman who mugs with his own penis is 97.6% sure to be either A) STD’d or B) really young. Stop looking at child porn. Undoubtedly, there are countless more false phallus photos genres out there. But, for fear of getting my IP address flagged as a fetishist, I ask you to find the rest on your own. I leave you with the creepiest photo ever.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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