Hey, baby, why so down? You feelin’ sad? Well, let daddy come over there and make it all right, ok? Mmmmmmmm. What? Your major sectors arn't sagging, honey, don’t say that, they’re just the way I like ‘em. Who wants more than a handful? Ah, I know what it is – bunch of grabby old white men tryin’ to get a piece of you all the time, gropin’, pinchin’. They don’t know how to touch you baby, and I know how it is - always trying to give it to you in the back door. I ain’t like that, sugar, you know that. You in a little funk, I see it, but I’m gonna warm you up, sweetness. First, I’m gonna find out where you’re sore and rub a little tax relief in there, yeaaaaaaaahhh, honey. Then I’m gonna oil up these hands with a little debt forgiveness and work it deep into them thighs, just the way you like it. Mmmmm-hmmmmm. And if you ask real nice, I’m gonna take a hold of those bad assets and squeeze ‘em, baby, squeeze ‘em real tight and not let ‘em go. Say what? Oh no, don’t you believe that baby, your real estate is prime to me, and I am ready to invest some of my love in that market. Don’t let anyone tell you a bubble is a bad thing. Yeah, now you feelin’ it. I can feel your loan departments starting to open up for me girl. That’s right. I sense your mortgage approvals startin’ to spread. Mmmmm.

And now I know you’re really getting’ ready because, yes baby, I feel your credit flowin’, and I know one thing: You are open for business. I can sense your willingness to lend. Now there’s only one thing to do baby, now that you’re all warm and ready, and that is to give you the full extent of my love… Here it comes, darlin’, a big, hot, turgid infusion of my white-hot cash. Oh yeah, just lay back and let me bail you out...

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.


Missed Connections – Sad Slasher #1

A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!