The Bleach That Won’t Fade Your Jeans

Not wanting to soil my own clothes, I will start this scheme at a thrift store. I’ll put on a white collared shirt, tie, jacket and walk out. A man in a suit never draws suspicion, even when he’s stealing the suit. Then I visit the local grocery store or Super Wal-Mart with a small pocket-knife. I grab a handheld basket upon entering and fill it up with enough stuff that I couldn’t fit a bottle of bleach in it. Next stop, the bleach aisle, where I’ll make a small horizontal cut along the bottle 1-2 inches below the cap. The incision looks like a sloppy clerk used a box cutter to open the case the bleach came in. Note to grocery store employees: never use a box cutter when dealing with bleach! Since my basket is full, I have to hold the bottle against my body with my free arm. I make sure the cut is facing inward and apply enough pressure to make sure the bottle leaks all over my coat. When I go to the check out I don’t need to say anything when I get to the register. The cashier will go into hysterics and say something to the effect of, “oh my god, look at your suit!” I can also leave it to her to determine that my leaking bleach bottle is the culprit.

I just look shocked and confused as I try to wipe it off. Now I can try to stiff arm the manager out of giving me cash on the scene, but I’ll be lucky to get more than a few hundred dollars. Rather than yell and scream, I just tell the store manager I have an interview in an hour and have to get home to change ASAP. The manager will fill out an incident report and tell me who to follow up with. A few weeks later, I’ll collect $5,000 for a suit I bought and returned the following day after copying the receipt. If you know of any easier ways to fund a trip to Europe, I’m all ears.

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