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THE BEST AND WORST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

The Worst People in the World: Life Coaches: For reals? This is a completely made up profession that only brainless OC housewives subscribe to (after Yogalates class). Foodies: The people that refer to themselves as Foodies are the most annoying people in the world. I refuse to recognize anyone as a Foodie. Someone who orders food that is not on the menu, brings their own ‘professional’ utensils, believes they have a special relationship with the Chef, and has money to go out to eat all the time is an asshole, not a Foodie. And did you just tell your server how to pour the bisque??? Uh uh. No. Fuck you. Project Managers: Spewing annoying corporate buzzwords and catchphrases like “110%,” “That being said,” and “Guesstimate” does not a job make. Stop hassling me. My project is not fucking ready yet. Vampire Fanatics: Get a life. Something is seriously wrong with you people. I mean, Robert Pattinson? Gross. Menopausal Women who own their own Businesses: Shut up! You are freaking out at all times. You are insane. And why is your hair always a faded manic panic red color and looking like hay

Marathon Runners: Oh my god you ran a million miles and now you have a weird sinewy body! You are so awesome! Actually, I’m kidding. No one cares. Tall Bike Riders: Do not tell me about increased visibility or practicality when you have to lean on a lamp post in order to dismount. You may as well attach wheels to your bookcase and ride it around town. In my mom’s words, who do you think you are? Crouching Waiters: Getting eye level with someone when taking their order is creepy. Why are you doing this? Are you bowing to me? Does your back hurt? Do you need a calcium chew? I did my job so I could eat out and sit down, now you do yours and stand the fuck up. That’s better. I will have the Halibut. Untalented Taggers: Who fucking tags anymore? I tagged a table at Denny’s once when I was 14 if that gives you any idea. Best People in the World: Rennies (Renaissance fair fanatics): These people rule. They know killer old-timey words and turn lame things like trips to the Porto-potties into enticing adventures by saying “Huzzah me lady, this way to the Privies!”

They get wasted and fight each other and tell funny jokes and you get to throw tomatoes at them. They make good smelling oils and rings too. I also like ½ renny, ½ normals--you know the guy with the kickin zubaz and the chain link vest? Rad. Masseuses: These people have to rub up on your nasty moles and eczema flakes and act like it aint no thing. They also help people with scoliosis and other ‘untouchables’. Wizards: Wizards can do anything. They look sweet and their favorite color is purple which is the best color. Led Zeppelin were examples of human wizards. Animal Planet Hosts: (ex Steve Irwin, Jeff Corwin) These guys are awesome. They are so fucking pumped to be alive. And they are really nice to their wives and husbands because anyone that cares about nasty spiders as much as they do adorable little snow leopard babies has to be a nice person. Midwesterners: They may be fat and passive

Drag Queens and Drag Kings: Drag Queens are the bomb. They make you feel happy and weird. They can do amazing flips and dance faster than regular women and they don’t take shit from anyone. As far as Drag Kings go, I completely understand the desire to parade around wearing a mustache and penis. Funsies!

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