Chin up, champ: just because she’s decided that, despite your great personality, you’re entirely sexually unappealing doesn’t mean that everything’s at a loss. Learn to look on the bright side of life, because there’s an upside to everything – even the friend-zone. If you’re feeling down in the dumps, recite any number of these key phrases as your personal mantra of romantic and sexual failure! Since you’re not actually getting pussy, you can’t be called pussy-whipped for spending your Friday nights watching rom-com flicks and desperately wishing you could make a move.
You can cuddle all night without that whole “getting laid beforehand” thing which you can only imagine is just a big pain in the ass anyway.
She’ll feel comfortable enough to model her new bikini for you, allowing you to take a mental photograph that will serve as masturbation fodder for the next ten years of your life.
Going out to the bar, you look more desirable to other women when you’re with one already, which is great even though you’ll end up walking your friend home and half trying to kiss her at her door.
You can fart around her just like she’s one of the guys; though doing so may be the one thing that ruins the small chance you have, so you’d better hold them in anyway. Not getting laid means not having to worry about inevitably and consistently disappointing your partner sexually.
You’re put in the position to learn about the “feminine perspective” of relationships after listening to her go on and on about her various relationships with men who treat her worse than you ever would.
When she begins dating your best friend, you’ll be able to hang out with the both of them at the same time, and then afterwards at home attempt to overdose on aspirin!
Her dad will actually like you – which is amazing – even if he thinks that you’re gay and always asks if you and her share lace underwear.
Think of her as a “practice girlfriend” who will allow you to rehearse your most romantic gestures – late-night tubs of ice-cream, or finding a spitting image of her lost childhood teddy bear for her birthday – without any concern of her actually perceiving said gestures as anything but friendly.
You’ll get to spend a lot of time with her friends, meaning you may have a chance with them, even though you actually don’t because she’s weirdly protective of you in a “little brother” sort of way and her friends totally respect that. She’ll treat you as a personal project, helping style your hair and outfit before a hot date, ensuring you look perfectly like the non-sexy yet “friend-zonable” dork that she sees you as.
She’ll start fucking your friends and everyone around you and treating you like complete god damn dirt while also expecting you to be there even though being there means listening to the painful details of her love-life while attempting to hold back your fucking tears because you fucking KNOW she doesn’t like PUSSIES because that’s why she isn’t fucking you in the FIRST PLACE because you’re a fucking pussy and you may as well just kill yourself because no matter what you do the girl that you love will never love you back.
Or if none of that works, just start being an asshole to her. And then bang her. Yep.
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