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The Awkward Predrink Drinking Game

No doubt, the best way to save an awkward predrink with a group of people is the drinking game. Whether it surrounds a deck of cards, watching a movie or tossing a ping-pong ball around, it provides the group of drinkers something to talk about other than their miserably boring day-to-day lives. So instead of pussyfooting around the fact that you’ve simply got nothing to talk about and want the fastest and most efficient way to get shitfaced enough not to care, why not stare that dick-of-an-awkwardness right in its awkward fucking face and get all meta on that bitch. Here, I propose some rules for the “Awkward Pre-Drink Drinking Game.” If the music dies just as the current conversation comes to a close, leaving the room silent, take one shot. If someone lazily requests, “someone put something on,” take another. If someone volunteers, approaches the music source and after a brief moment remarks, “I don’t know what to put on,” take a third shot. If the group grows exceptionally excited upon hearing the arrival of another guest, take a drink. If the group is clearly disappointed when seeing the new arrival is someone who doesn’t talk much, take another. If someone offensively asks, “Is it just you or did you come with anyone?” take a third.If someone is blatantly texting away without paying attention to the conversation, take a shot. If more than one person is doing it, take a second. If two people at the same pre-drink are texting each other, take three and fucking punch them in the head. If someone excitedly exclaims, “Let’s get drunk!” take a shot. If the rest of the group half-heartedly cheers in agreement, take a second. If there is a long, awkward silence following the cheer as everyone desperately chugs from their drink, well, drink up, then! If someone puts on a 90s song that will hopefully get everyone pumped up, take a drink. If everyone sings along simultaneously in order to avoid conversation, take a second. If the song is by Chumbawumba, kill yourself. If the group asks, “Hey, where did ____ go?” if someone has been gone for more than like fifteen seconds, take a shot. If upon returning, everyone asks, “Hey, where were you for so long?” take a second. If that person is reluctant to say, and eventually pressured into uncomfortable admitting they were simply taking a dump, take a third.If someone brings up a previous time the group got drunk together, take a shot. If someone regales the group with a drawn-out story that everyone has heard before, take another. If everyone in the group was actually present at the time the story took place but are simply relieved someone is saying anything at all, take a third. If someone is on their computer on Facebook, take a drink. If they’re actively chatting with someone else online, take two. If everyone else at the predrink is watching said person have said conversation on Facebook, leave. If someone proposes that you play a drinking game, remind them that you’re playing a drinking game already, have a weird meta discussion about it, reference Inception and that shitty overdone Xzibit meme, and then chug absolutely fucking everything you can find.

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