Do you hate gays? Are you annoyed your rigid wife won’t let you do anal, while those dirty sinners get to do it every day? Don’t let the changing tides of liberal America get you down. Embrace your bigotry, and celebrate it, by spending a full day doing it up anti-gay! 8:00am: Breakfast at the Cracker Barrel
You’ll have to drive to the outskirts to find a community hick enough to support a Cracker Barrel, but it’s worth it! In 1991, an inside memo called for Cracker employees to be fired if they seemed too festive. They understand real Americans don’t want the prospects of shoving hot sausage down their throats to be ruined by anything gay. 9:00am: Get Your Oil Changed at Auto Zone
Auto Zone refuses to extend benefits to domestic partners, because they know that lube should only be used to keep your Ford F150 running. And if your wife lets you do anal. 10:00am Clothes Shopping at Urban Outfitters!
You’re a cool bigot, so express yourself with ironic hipster t-shirts! There’s no pro-homo slant here, like those queers at American Apparel. Urban pulled gay marriage shirts in 2008. Even though their catalog did feature a recent lesbian kiss, everyone’s on board with lesbians. We know they’re just lonely women waiting for the right guy to fuck them.12:00pm Lunch at Chick Fil-A Chick Fil-A is the real deal when it comes to telling those fudge packers to pack it up! They’ve sponsored anti-gay conferences, and donate millions to anti-gay groups. So when you bite into an original chicken sandwich, you know you’re only surrounded by men who want to “Eat More Chikin” not “Eat More Dick’n”!
2:00pm Buy an extra bible at Target!
Target donated $150,000 to an anti-gay political candidate. Expect More, Gay Less!
3:00pm Call your Congressman and tell them to cancel “Glee” and “Smash”
We know it’s just propaganda to help recruit more youths into their gay army.
8:00pm Dessert at Cold Stone Creamery!
When you say “we all scream for ice-cream,” you really mean “except for gay people.” While the name Cold Stone Creamery may sound like a questionable West Hollywood bar, it’s anything but. Cold Stone founders donated $10,000 to Arizona’s gay marriage ban. The only cream being swallowed here is 100% all American cow juice.
9:00pm-????: Get Smashed on Coors Light Despite extending benefits to same-sex partners, the Coors chairman ran in 2004 on an anti- gay marriage platform. Coors wants it both ways. Just not sexually. That’s never OK. Unless you’re in prison. Then you do what you gotta do. It’s all the same in the dark. Not really.
11:00pm Dream of a world where Ellen Degeneres still pretends to like cock.
You fell asleep early, because that bitch still wouldn’t let you do anal.
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