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TATTOO FORTUNE TELLING

In this tatted-up age, you don't have to be psychic to tell all you need to know about someone without even meeting them. They wear their issues on their sleeves...and on their backs and on their shoulders and... Tribal band around the bicep You enjoy keg stands and frosting your tips. You shout funny sayings like, "Is there a vet in the house, because these pythons are sick!" as you flex. You might be Nick Lachey. Anything on the lower back Having developed a taste for roofies, you often wake up to find multiple orifices filled by guys with tribal bands around their biceps. Butterfly on the ankle You are afraid of commitment, and when you do commit, you are frequently gay. Neck tat You rush into action before realizing the long-term consequences.

Because of your stubborn insistence on inking your neck, you are restricted to blue-collar—or turtleneck—professions. Your guidance counselor was right after all. A cross You consider yourself Christian by default, but really you just think that crosses look cool. You’d go to church more often if they’d let you go in shirtless to show off your sweet back tat. It’s just as well, because the chicks there don’t really put out. Your own name You are in middle school and spend most of your study hall huffing rubber cement. That’s when you decided on a D.I.Y. tat with a needle swiped from Home Ec class, which, because you used a mirror, ended up backwards.

Writing across the stomach Tupac is your god. You refuse to call rap lyrics anything but "poetry." At least one of the words on your gut is misspelled, but because you insisted on such ornate, gothic lettering, you can’t tell. Also, you’re functionally illiterate. Writing across the stomach Tupac is your god. You refuse to call rap lyrics anything but "poetry." At least one of the words on your gut is misspelled, but because you insisted on such ornate, gothic lettering, you can’t tell. Also, you’re functionally illiterate. A picture of your child Your judgment is suspect if you think that creepy, dead-eyed line drawing of your kid even remotely resembles the little bastard. Chinese lettering You are easily duped. You are currently on your sixth religion in the past four years and take your theological cues from Madonna. You think your tattoo says, "Wisdom comes from experience," but it really says "There’s a party in my anus, and everyone’s coming."

An anchor on your chest You are 80 years old and got your tat during World War II. You now realize how heinous a mistake tattoos are as your withered nipples sag below your belt buckle.

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