It's time to get rid of the traditional Halloween costumes. Dracula, Ghouls, and Mummies? Lame. Nobody's afraid of them anymore. If a kid comes to my door dressed as some faggy ghost, he is not getting any of my good candy. In fact, I'll probably give him one of those candy apples with a razor blade that everyone in the 80's was paranoid about. So here's some Halloween costume ideas that are guaranteed to frighten: 1) President Sarah Palin - A lot of people will go as just regular ol' Sarah Palin, but to really be scary you need take that extra step and make her President. How to do this? First, you'll need to have a friend dressed up as Deceased John McCain. It's easy, it'll look exactly like the Alive McCain. Second, you'll need to carry around a rigged voting machine, since that's the only way McCain/Palin could win in November. And third, you'll be hyperventilating into a paper bag while muttering to yourself, "Oh god, what do I do, what do I do, where's Todd?" Scary! 2) Dane Cook's Agent - A lot of people in the comedy world vilify Dane Cook, but he is not a bad man. He's just a regular ole douchey frat guy taking the work that is offered to him. But Dane Cook's Agent?
That guy’s responsible for more horror than Freddie, Jason, and the guy from "Saw" combined. To make this costume work, talk on the phone with a producer, negotiating for Dane to play the lead role in a sequel to "Casablanca." Creepy Crawly! 3) The Entire Middle East - Seriously, have you been to the Middle East? That’s right, you haven’t. And you know why? Because it’s fucking scary! To make this costume work, just cover yourself with sand and oil, be unbearably hot and have a miserable look on your face that exudes "I’m a political and ethical strain on the rest of the world." It will be most effective at scaring people in the Mid-West and the South. Spooky! 4) A Subprime Mortgage - Much like Dr. Frankenstein’s creation, the Subprime Mortgage is a man-made monster that destroys everything in its path. It’s not destructive by nature, it’s just mad because nobody understands it. That’s why for this costume, just dress like Frankenstein’s monster, but wear a t-shirt that says "Subprime Mortgage." Might as well keep it simple, since it’s hard enough to explain as it is. Puzzling/Also Scary!
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