Well pothead, you looked ahead at your workday and decided that eight hours of Joe-jobbery was simply too boring to get through sober. Congratulations dude, you’ve just joined a demographic known as the “willingly dumb.” If you’re anything like me (please dear God let there be others like me), your menial job in customer service/administration/lil’ bitchdom is so terribly unchallenging you need to give your brain a handicap. As in golf, recommended highness will vary from stoner to stoner, but the main rule is to not be a shithead. Realize that going to work high can sometimes be even more stressful than regular work. Chatty coworkers, needy customers, and confusing office appliances can frustrate your already struggling mind, and draw unwanted attention from the higher ups. But not if you follow these rules, pothead: Blaze Naked - Stoners are always worried about whether they smell like pot. Do you really reek of “Green Jamboree,” or is it all in your head? To solve this problem, simply get high BEFORE putting your clothes on. Yes, this means you’ll be ass naked sucking from a wildly colored glass pipe at 8:23am, and whether you count this as a positive or negative is up to you. In my book, anytime I am simultaneously naked and high is a major plus.

Greet Short - You’ve made it to work, but so have your coworkers, and it’s time to socialize. This part’s easy, just don’t be too long-winded with your morning hellos. Now is not the time for oral acrobatics; you’ve got the forethought of an autistic turtle. Do not second-guess your ability to pull off a normal “Good morning Brian,” and instead giggle out a paragraph of incoherent tangents like a taffy-tongued Bob Dylan. Basically, the less you say, the less people can judge you by, and believe me, they are judging you. Constantly. Something to Stare At - Your jelly brain will naturally want to zone out, which is fine, but don’t do it to something stupid, like a stapler. I agree, both the mechanics and legacy of a Swingline are endlessly fascinating, but that’s no reason to stare at it for 12 minutes. Remember (I know this is asking a lot), you need to create the illusion of intellectual presence, so bring a “smart” book. This does not mean a dictionary, but rather something so highfalutin your coworkers won’t care to ask you about it, like War and Peace. Heck, you might even learn something! (note: you will definitely not learn something). Congratulations! - Whew, that was harder than I thought. Time for another hit. Oh yeah, in case it comes up, neither you nor I have a problem. This is youthful folly dammit! Youthful folly!

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Missed Connections – Sad Slasher #1

A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!