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THINK YOU'REFUNNY?

SO YOU’VE DECIDED TO DRINK AND DRIVE

DO remember the basics. When I was in college, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. When she left, I decided to follow her so that I could continue to scream. I knew I was too drunk to drive, but I told myself that it was a short distance across campus and that I would be careful. I drove slowly, I came to complete stops, and I used my turn signal. I was only pulled over because I was doing all of these things on the wrong side of the road. DO dress warmly. I can only speak for the drunk tank in Jefferson County, Indiana, but I think it's safe to say that most jails aren't known for being cozy. I spent the night curled up on a wooden bench shivering because it was after a party at my fraternity, and I was wearing a long-sleeved striped shirt, a swimsuit, and no shoes. My mugshot doesn't show the word DOUCHEBAG on my forehead, but it might as well. DO perjure yourself effectively. When I showed up for my court date, I was one of a number of drug and alcohol-related offenders on trial, but I was the only one wearing a shirt and tie instead of an orange jumpsuit. The judge made it clear that he did not see any difference between me and them. He asked when the last time I drank was. The answer he wanted was "Not since I was arrested." The truthful answer was "I'm one month away from graduating college and I feel like I just ruined my life. I get drunk everyday."

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