I really think that one of the better advantages of being rich has got to be the ability to make people shut their goddamn pieholes. Sure, being able to buy anything you want is nice – I would love to buy a Bentley and never drive it, rather use it as my own special place to jerk off (I’d refer to it fondly as “my masturbating Bentley”). But when you get right down to it, I’d love to be filthy rich just so I could pay people to shut the fuck up.
Your buddy constantly telling you about how awesome Twitter is? Shut up check! Your neighbor incessantly greeting you with the phrase, “Wazzz up, playa!”? Shut up check! In fact, if I were swimming in cash I would actually not spend a lot of it just so I could save some for my shut up checks. I would actually open up a checking account specifically for shut up checks only! Sure, it might be nice to travel around the world in first class accommodations, but not as nice as making someone who loves the sound of their own voice to shut up for one full month. Even as I write this I would love to be able to afford a shut up check right now. There are two ass bags at the table next to me who have been droning on for a half an hour about whether “Dark Knight” or “Watchmen” is the definitive comic book movie. I’m pretty sure for the right amount of money I could get them to shut up AND have a knife fight to the death. But, hey, that’s just me. I like to use money for good, not for evil.
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