I often hear sexually naïve people in their mid-to-late twenties say that there's nothing they'd rather fuck on God's Good Green Earth than a nubile 18-year-old. These people have obviously not slept with a teenager recently. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be (for starters, teenagers are usually horrible at fucking. But that’s another story.) The main issue, though, is recent grads of Jailbait Academy are creatures that are hopelessly hooked on two things: their friends and technology. A one-night stand with a teenager often becomes an unintended three-way between you, them, and their iPhone. I witnessed, and ignored, the warning signs that things were a-changin’ while watching porn in college in 2004. During Paris Hilton’s dead-eyed turn in One Night in Paris, the eponymous starlet stops the bland missionary poundfest she’s receiving to answer a phone call (hopefully from a friend receiving a similarly bland missionary poundfest.) While Paris blah-blahs to her buddy, her partner sits there stroking his shrinking ding-dong, whining about the ridiculous situation he, as a grown-ass man, has found himself in. Watching it I thought, "Ha ha, only teenage celebrities are so addicted to their phones that they absolutely cannot ignore them, even during shitty fucking." Ah, but how trends trickle down from above… 2010 teens and technology are just as inseparable if not more so, and you won’t realize how true this is until you become privy to it firsthand.

The outside world calls, even mid-coitus. This, in itself, is nothing new. But the difference is teens answer that call, even to say “I can’t talk right now. Yeah. I’m busy. I’ll tell you later. Love you too, bestie” (they do this in movie theaters too). Same goes for texts, by the way. Even if they have to respond with a quick, elaborate emoticon, they will. As a grown-ass adult sleeping with a teen, you can tell your partner to turn off the cell. But just by the fact that you have to go there- “Turn off your phone. This is our time!”- you do know who you sound like, right? We’re already dealing with a Mommy/Daddy complex already, no need to lay it on thicker. Besides, nothing dries vaginas and kills boners dead like acting like a disapproving parent. The thing that makes today’s teenagers unique in the history of fucking is that they’ve never known a world without the internet, without mobile phones, without their manna (their friend’s approval) so easily accessible. It’s a shame. When I was a teenager, tepid sex was a time to get inside your own head and beat yourself up emotionally, with no avenue of escape, just totally isolated. Sadly, today’s teens will never know that feeling. It’s just a fundamental difference in generations: like most teenagers, today’s 18-year-olds ultimately just want constant stimulation and constant peer validation. Thanks to modern technology, it’s something they can get from a Blackberry. Engaging in a bland missionary poundfest with a grown-ass adult just isn’t the same.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.


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