Dear Penthouse Letters, I was only Sixteen-years-old and it was nearing the end of Christian Rifle Summer Camp. We had just spent the day target shooting in preparation for the imminent rise of the Homosexuals. I had trained well beyond my limits so I headed back to my cabin to rest. I was undressing myself, sweat glistening off my chiseled pecs and abs, when all of a sudden the door flew open. It was one of the female Camp Supervisors who was concerned that I had pushed myself too hard while training. Little did I know, there was much more “hard pushing” left in me. She was much older than I was, but the way she was ogling my young, Christian body turned me on. It was obvious that the sight of my cock becoming engorged with blood had sent her into a tizzy but she was trying to compose herself.

And then I saw her eyes glance the copy of “Soldiers of Fortune” magazine that was sandwiched between both copies of my bibles (Old and New), which sent her over the edge of Passion Cliff. I should have seen it coming after all that talk of making a new nation (called “Christaska”) had visibly ignited a fire in this woman’s loins, but before I knew it she was on me like a starving wolverine, biting my face, clawing mercilessly at my testicles and pinning my limbs when I tried to move. As advertised, she was everywhere at once, single minded and ferocious. “Jesus,” she said, “has given us a way to consummate our love,” in a way that would let her keep pure the birth canal that would one day birth a never-ending slew of children named after high school classes: anal. I would be receiving. I will admit I was excited, but then she punched me in the face and flipped me on my stomach and things took on an ominous tone. I felt 1 finger, then 3, then a fist.

If I ever mentioned the encounter, she said, she would repeat the process and, “not use so much spit next time,” and it was then I knew that Sarah Palin would one day lead the nation. Because, really – who would you rather have in a war room? A dedicated, long-serving state or federal representative who has met with at least one foreign diplomat? Or a woman who knows the persuasive power of prostate stimulation, and will not be denied in administering it?

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