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Roommate Sex: The Art Of Listening

There’s nothing better at ruining the quiet moments in bed before falling asleep than hearing your roommate arrive home with someone. Immediately, the night has changed: you know you’re going to be listening to sex for the next yet to be determined amount of time. And even before the evening guest has spoken, your involvement with the rendez-vous begins. Hints are given as to the nature of the remaining encounter almost immediately through the way in which the guest in question laughs. It’s almost entirely requisite that a girl returning to a one-night-stand’s house has to giggle uncomfortably as she steps through the doorway: it’s a way to force themselves to think they aren’t already regretting it. If she giggles quietly, you’re in the clear; if her laugh’s obnoxious, she probably sounds like Gilbert Godfreid in bed. Not good. Pre-sex, there’s a lot to pay attention to: how’s the conversation? If it’s dull, so will the sex. If they’re opening beers, things may get loud. Making out in the living room? That’s a hard call: on the plus, they’re banging further from your room.

On the minus, it’s on your Grandma’s old couch, but don’t think about this too much, because hearing your roommate banging while thinking of your Grandma won’t help anything. Once they hit the bedroom, there comes a fork in the road. Down one path, they recognize that there are roommates trying to sleep and in turn try and keep quiet. Down the other, they don’t give a fuck for any number of reasons and loudly pound it home. Despite what common sense will tell you, the latter path is the much more ideal one. Why? Because no matter how quiet two people are trying to be whilst fucking, it’s not going to be quiet enough to actually prevent you from hearing it. Instead, you’ll be able to hear just enough to piece together what’s going on: a whisper here, a position-change there, a few queefs to keep things interesting. Your brain, being the curious motherfucker that it is, actually ends up trying to focus in on these sounds and figure out what’s going on. And there’s no creepier a feeling than intently listening to your roommate getting a blowjob, excitedly perking up at each slurp that echoes through your bedroom walls.

The first path, on the other hand, presents a much different scenario. Firstly, it cuts the tension for all parties. For the fuckers in question, they are relieved of the fear of being too loud, simply by being too loud throughout. For the listener, it becomes much easier to convert the rhythmic sound of skin-slapping into some sort of a sleep-inducing metronome. Of course, this only works if the sound is consistent, and when it isn’t, that’s where that perverted brain of yours starts up again. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that she’s moaning consistently for three minutes. Everyone’s happy: you can adjust to it, your roommate is doing a good job and well, clearly she’s enjoying herself. But once that consistent moaning stops, you can’t help but wonder why. “Did his dick slip out? Are they changing positions? What if he came?!?! That can’t be it! God help us, they’ve only been at it for six and a half minutes!” You really start to get invested. Nonetheless, you’ll be wishing for premature ejaculation once you realize your roommate is off-his-ass drunk and that there’s really no end in sight.

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Matt Houghton, Matthew Reid, SPLOOGED

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