Ringtones are not for men. I’m sorry, but that’s just a fact – google it. Ringtones are for pre-teen girls who get psyched about "American Idol" results let alone the prospect of having their own cell phone. Look, I enjoy music just as much as the next guy. It’s good to be passionate about your favorite band or artist. But just because you enjoy Panic at the Disco doesn’t mean you need to hear them every fucking time your cell phone rings. And is Lil’ Wayne such a great rapper that his songs need to be downloaded as a ringtone? Really? And for all that is sacred on this green earth, stop using snippets from movies and television shows as you ringtone. I like “South Park”, too, but I don’t need to hear Cartman’s voice all day long. It’s amusing…never. And trust me, hearing Pacino yell “say hello to my little friend” every time your mom calls does not make you cool. My friend Jim used to have the theme song from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” as his ringtone. Whenever his cell rang I would sing along to the music; “Jim’s a douchebag with his phooone/Jim’s a douchebag with his pho-o-one….” I ridiculed him so bad that he switched his ringtone to Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” which is still bad but I can’t say anything – Zeppelin’s the one band you can’t rag on.

But probably the worst thing about ringtones is that you are actually paying for them. Come on! Don’t you have more important things to buy with your parents’ cash? Paying for a ringtone is just a ridiculous waste of time and money. Now, if you bought one just for shits and giggles, that’s okay. But if you are buying several at a time or even spending an afternoon deciding on what ringtone to buy (“I really like the new T.I. cut but that new Pink song is so awesome!”) then you are a prepubescent girl who is probably counting down the days until “High School Musical Three” comes out on DVD. Ringtones do not make you special. They are not an example of your individuality. If anyone can buy them how does that make you different? It doesn’t so get over yourself. Stop acting like a chick and worrying so much about how the sound of your cell phone reflects your own personal “style”. Real men don’t have style. And here’s a thought. How about when your cell phone rings, it just sounds like a regular telephone ringing?


Kirk Pynchon, FeedMink , ARTICLES

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