Every year I go to the Renaissance Fair, a month-long festival where you’re encouraged to roam in Shakespearean-type clothes and speak in Ye Olde English just like it was olden times. I also have sex regularly, thankyouverymuch. Okay, the Ren Faire is one of those places where losers do flock – there has to be something to fill up all those empty schedules til ComicCon. But there are a variety of reasons that you, non-loser person, should join me at the Ren Faire! And they are: Booze. There’s tons of it. Wine and beer flow from the heavens, but there’s even more interesting selections for getting plastered than your local bar. Honey mead tastes deeeelicious and pear cider is more refreshing than a Cosmo on a hot day, I guarantee you. Food. Giant turkey legs are worth the price of admission alone. And no one scolds you for not using a napkin or a knife and fork! Henry VIII would have wanted it that way. Boobs. You’ll see more cleavage on display, all day, than a wings marathon at Hooters. Every female dresses in a tight corset that props their boobs up like a mantel for your eyes to rest on. It’s like Halloween, and every woman is dressed as a slutty milkmaid. Plus, you can call women “wenches” there and they don’t mind one bit!

Weapons. You can play with a crossbow, a sword and other pretty dangerous shit. Can’t do that at a Hollywood club! (You can, but you’ll likely be arrested.) And while you’re swash-buckling, you might as well… Be a Pirate. C’mon, admit it. Dressing like a pirate is something you totally wanted to do ever since Johnny Depp made it cool again, but were too afraid to for fear of being mocked. Well, they had pirates back in Renaissance times*, so grab those boots and take a swig of grog and earn yar sea legs, matey! Arr! *They also exist today, but modern pirates are just fucking depressingly.

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Missed Connections – Sad Slasher #1

A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!