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REMOTE CONTROL CONTROL

When I was in college we had a guy in our fraternity named “Eh”. He was called Eh because he had this weird tic where after every sentence he would say “eh”. As in “I think I want a francheezie…eh.” One afternoon, during fall semester junior year, Eh accidentally broke his foot fighting over the remote control. He wanted to watch “Walker Texas Ranger” but another fraternity brother, Shatty (who had the unfortunate luck of shitting his pants when he drank), grabbed the remote so he could watch “Iron Chef”. Eh attacked Shatty, a scuffle ensued (“fuck you…eh!”) and when the smoke cleared Eh had cracked the third metatarsal of his right foot. He had to wear crutches and a corrective boot for the rest of the semester. I call Eh the greatest man whoever lived. He understood the power of the remote control. See, it’s not so much about watching TV as it is about ruling over the TV. When you have the remote, you are in charge. Even if you never change the channel you still have the power. Watching TV while someone else has the remote is like riding bitch on a Harley. It’s no fun, you’re a little embarrassed and you feel slightly less than a man. I would rather watch a crappy show with the remote in hand than watch my favorite show and have someone else controlling the remote.

For instance, I would rather suffer through “Housewives of Orange County” with the Tivo remote in my hand than watch “The Office” while my girlfriend has it in hers. Sure, she maybe enjoying her show about ugly old skanks who wish they were milfs, but I’m still in control. I control the volume. I control the fast-forward. I control the mute. And isn’t that way more important than actually enjoying what you’re watching? Isn’t it? Eh understood the power of the remote control. He understood its importance. The remote control is an extension of a man’s dick [And if you doubt me ask yourself this – how often do you watch TV with the remote in one hand and your dick in the other? Yeah, that’s what I thought!]. As men we need to be in control of our dicks – constantly. Eh had the clarity and insight to know this. The man was a genius. And what ever happened to my hero? Where’s Eh now? He dropped out of school his senior year. Last I heard he lives with his mom and is an assistant manager at Barnes and Noble. I still think he was a genius…eh.

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