Fuck the debate about who’s better - Kobe or LeBron. Fuck the argument about who’s stronger - Alien or Predator. And fuck the fight about who’s hotter – Alba or Biel. For my money nothing, I mean nothing, is more important than which you prefer – Twizzlers or Red Vines. Now, I’m not going to sit here and judge which one is better. There is no right answer (although it’s impossible to like both – that’s like saying you enjoy both Marvel and DC Comics or you’re a cat person and a dog person). But you can tell A LOT about someone by which one they choose. Recently I did a cross sectional study of friends and families and asked them whether they liked Twizzlers or Red Vines better. Here’s what I’ve come up with in my own very scientific way (and, remember, science is never wrong - you can’t fuck with science): If you like Twizzlers you are – possibly bisexual because, unlike Red Vines, they come in different flavors and you enjoy “experimenting”. You love to eat Chinese food with extra MSG. You also like to add sugar to your Coke because, as you say, “I like it sweet.” When you go to the bathroom to take a dump and you have nothing to read, you read the contents of your wallet. You enjoy listening to hardcore punk music but secretly wish you could sing like Kelly Clarkson (whether you’re a boy or a girl). You loathe racism but oddly have a fear of the Irish. You spontaneously vomit whenever you hear someone exclaim, “hella good!” You are a fun-loving, caring person who more than likely will die a violent death in the back of your car.

f you like Red Vines you are – anal retentive because they come in a box and you need that type of structure in your life. You are also more than likely a trend follower because you bought into Lazy Sunday when they rapped, “Red Vines + Mr. Pibb = crazy delicious”. (Side note: one Twizzler fan stated, “That’s bullshit. Twizzlers and Dr. Pepper are just as tasty.”) You are left handed but ashamed of that fact and lie about it whenever possible. The smell of library books makes you incredibly horny. You write inspirational notes to yourself that say things like, “You kick ass!” or “Stop being a pussy!” You think Dane Cook is a comedy genius. Your mom unfortunately breast fed you until were seven. You are a serious, thoughtful person who more than likely will die a violent death in the back of your car. So there you have it. If you disagree with me or feel I am on crack – quit your crying and do your own study. And just in case you were wondering what my preference is? Black rope licorice. Black mother-fucking rope.

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