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CHERTOFF FORCED TO MOONLIGHT AS NOSFERATU

Recently, I was forced into visiting the tragedy that is Universal Studios by some out-of-town friends. What would have typically been a terrible waste of my time became a life enhancing experience. While these friends relished in what they considered legitimate Hollywood experiences I took a ton of painkillers with the intention of enjoying myself. While vegging out I noticed Max Schreck’s doppelganger out of the corner of my eye. Could it be, the sunken in eyes, the pekid skin, the bald head? Upon further inspection I realized it wasn’t just your regular, run of the mill, Nosferatu impersonator, but Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security for the good old U.S. of A. “Don’t I know you?” I asked him my breasts gushed with excitement. “Uh, maybe. I do the 6 p.m. meet and greet. Want me to autograph something for you?” I presented him with the only thing handy, a magic marker and my breasts, and on them with his creepily long fingers he penned the name Nosferatu.

“Wait a second,” I found myself saying. “Aren’t you also Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security?” He looked at me curiously and began gushing, “You actually know who I am!” It turned out Chertoff had hit hard times just like everyone else and picked up the gig at Universal to help make ends meet. When my friends showed back up they wanted to know why I was hanging out with, “that vampire dude,” and why I allowed him to sign my tits. Both questions I didn’t have answers for. Before I left he handed me his government issued business card, but on the back in creepy serial killer handwriting he’d written: Michael Chertoff Nosferatu Impersonator Available: Nights & Weekends for Personal Appearances. I guess next time I need to hire someone to scare the shit out of everyone I know I am going to give Mike a call cause it turns out he’s in the market for a new gig and some fast cash.

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