It’s funny how fast Snakes on a Plane went away. The worst thing that ever happened to that movie was getting released. Everyone had it in their top 10 until they actually saw it and realized it was exactly what it had always been: a shitty movie. And when it shockingly didn’t end up squashing Titanic’s worldwide record, studio execs had to deal with the irritating reality that one or two “motherfuckings” from Sammy L. aren’t enough to save a movie. You need 30 or 40, at least. But with all the Internet hype generated over just the title for Snakes, I decided to do a little IMDB research and find what upcoming gem could be the next web phenomenon. Is there another Stop! Or my Mom Will Shoot in the development process? Or are we going to be stuck with a bunch more films where you actually have to see it to know what it’s about…
I began at the obvious starting point: Patrick Swayze. Christmas in Wonderland and Powder Blue. No good. On to Frank Stallone. Nothing. Chuck Norris has apparently “retired.” Steven Segal is busy suing the government for ruining his career. Dolph Lundgren is stepping behind the camera to direct a feature (it’s about time!). With all the great thespians of yesteryear settling into Botox injected retirement, I was worried it might be a rough couple of years for us true film connoisseurs. But with a few hours of research, I found some glimmers of hope: Zombie Strippers (2008) – “starring” Jenna Jamason
Half Past Dead 2 (2007) – starring pro-wrestler Bill Goldberg (he hasn’t killed his family yet, apparently).I hope there’s a sequence where the bad guy asks “What time is it?” and Goldberg sneaks up behind him and says “Half past dead” before blowing him away and winking at the camera. I Sell the Dead (2007) - starring the wanky British guy from Lost. If this is about anything other than exchanging corpses for money, I’m going to be very angry. Horrorween 3D (2008) – cameos including William “the Shat” Shatner and Flavor “Of Love” Flav! Sadly, this isn’t a documentary about Asian people trying to pronounce Halloween. Honorable Mention: Closing Escrow (2007) … I hope the white-knuckle, piss-your-pants sequel is called “Watch me Fill out my Taxes”
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A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!