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THINK YOU'REFUNNY?

PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT…

We live in an annoying world full of annoying people. People talk about their stupid dreams. About Facebook. Give us weekly recaps of shitty TV shows we don’t watch for a reason. This may seem trivial when compared to the grander problems in the world, but this bullshit is daily, and it’s killing me in babysteps. I’m not asking a lot. There are just some things I’d really appreciate it if you could all shut the fuck up about. Like… Your goddamn phone- “What kind of reception do you get?” You’re not fooling anyone. This is not a question - it is segue so you can blather about your phone. Blah blah switching plans. Blah blah apps. I don’t care if your iPhone isn’t working. Phones have replaced children and pets as the favored topic among boring friends and coworkers everywhere. This is basest of talking-for-talking’s-sake discourse. The Word “Hipster”- Can we get a moratorium on the word hipster already? It was a noun. Inevitably an adjective. I’ve even heard it used as a verb. Soon it will be an adverb. “I hipsterly put on my skinny jeans.” Since calling something hipster is so incredibly hipster to do… well, we’ve reached some sort of douche paradox it would seem. So let’s stop. And please, please don’t put glasses or a hoody on your cat and post a ‘Hipster Cat’ pic online.

Beauty Standards of the Past - Ladies, you want to bitch about the beauty standards Hollywood sets? Go crazy. Just spare me the seminar about how heavier women were considered the pinnacle of beauty in the past. Thanks, I’m aware. I’ve seen a painting before. I’m also aware that they didn’t have high fructose corn syrup back then. Perceptions of “fit” evolve. And so it sucked to be a skinny girl in the 1800s; that was fair for skinny girls? When the zombocalypse hits and we’re all starving and worshiping chunky chicks again, you better not bitch about how we used to revere thin girls. The Wire - I get it. I think The Wire is one of the best shows of all time. But seriously, fucking enough already. It only needs to be said so many times. You’re making me want to play devil’s advocate. Trader Joe’s - God. There are few things that make me stabbier than someone criticizing what fucking grocery store I go to. A grocery store! Yeah, Trader Joe’s has some nice pre-made stuff and great prices on shitty wine, but they have a meager overall selection, annoying check out clerks, and limited locations. I’m already stomaching your talk of yoga class, the evils of dairy, and glories of The Secret. But I draw the line at grocery store self-righteousness. Shut up.

Runyon Canyon - As a Los Angeleno, if I could pick just one local thing I never have to hear about again, it wouldn’t be the traffic or even Silverlake. It would be Runyon Canyon Park. I’d nut in my pants if no one ever mentioned Runyon to me again. Great place to hike, bring your dog? Noted. Now please… shut the fuck up about it. Thank you all.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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